FIRERONGARDENHIRE

2011-10-17T15:45:00.000-07:00

So the Bill Smith bobblehead doll turned out to be the least popular item at Target Field this year it seems nobody is buying it, significant because it's nearly impossible to keep Twins fans away from any bobblehead offered up by the organization. During the Metrodome daze seemingly sane men with families would camp out overnight on the urine-soaked cakes of concrete which hold together the vacant east end of Minneapolis exposing life and liberty in exchange for the knowledge that they would be one of the first 10,000 fans into the stadium an accomplishment by 21st century standards which comes with a free bobblehead. Oh but nobody wants Bill's head anywhere other than the chopping block a sentiment I don't disagree with I'm simply amused how my sworn nemesis Ron Gardenhire escapes unscathed. Gardy has had significant input into most personnel decisions since 2002 that's part of the job description for any manager & since I inhaled far to much ethanol living near West 7th Street I cant help but flashback to 2008 when Gardenhire basically lobbied for Johan Santana to be traded when he "went to team officials in January (2008) and said he was concerned about a repeat of the distractions of a year ago during Torii Hunter's final contract season" (Star Tribune 2/3/08) - Twins president Dave St. Peter confirmed the report saying "there were concerns about distractions, it was on the manager's mind." Poor Gardy he doesn't like to be distracted he prefers his ace be dealt and so the '08 Twins went on to finish 1 game out of first place during a playoff year where we would have avoided the Yankees and been prohibitive favorites to beat Tampa Bay who would go on to represent the A.L. in the world series. That was the Devil Ray team we gave Matt Garza to (ALCS MVP) - remember how Matt didn't seem to get along with Gardenhire do you think it was a coincidence he was traded? Garza got us Delmon Young who got us 100 RBI's then got under Gardy's skin who didn't blink an eye when Delmon departed in exchange for nothing..... Matt Garza....Kyle Lohse....J.C. Romero....Glen Perkins.....funny how the guys with the best stuff, you know with actual movement on their pitches, tend to provoke Gardenhire who apparently can't come to grips with a reality where balls move both in and out of the strike zone. Johan knew the strike zone, that much even Gardy knew, what our fearless field general didn't know was how he was going to handle "a repeat of the distractions" - oh the pressure of being a small market Midwestern manager imagine having to answer 1 - 2 additional questions after every one of Santana's 2008 starts - Gardenhire couldn't even wait until the trade deadline to fold his ace he had reservations about playing it in January (no one was going to ruin his Fort Myers Spring with media inquiries) undoubtedly influencing a personnel decision which directly led to a 2nd place finish. Mercilessly we suffered a worse fate than simply finishing 1 game back as the Twins tied the White Sox for the A.L Central title who then beat us in game 163 by a score of 1 -0 on a homerun by Jim Thome, which by the way Jim is why I would have pocketed your 600th HR ball - that and $20,000 - you don't think I would hand it over to Twins officials to hand over to Thome do you? What, in exchange for an autographed bat, a jersey, and a handshake all because that "would have been the right thing to do"? Says who? whenever i shared my plans for hanging out near the right field plaza in anticipation of the moneyball (a plaza flooded with Twins employees who stepped up their presence in a concerted effort to reduce the chances of that ball going to a fan) I invariably got looks of contempt for saying Jim Thome would never see that ball unless of course he was the highest bidder followed by the same question in which they actually sounded hurt "Don't you have any respect for the game?" - the entire F'n game is based on deception from the moment when the leadoff hitter smears the chalk and stands outside the batter's box, yes even before the first official pitch has been thrown the deception has begun and it never stops. Should I respect something based in deception? Sinister left-handed pitchers who get away with balking on every throw to first base would say yes respect the deception, easy for them to say most face one or two hitters per game, compile a 4.50 ERA, pitch until their 45 and cash massive checks while I'm out here in the field looking to shag a carton of eggs & a loaf of bread - that's $2 a week Jesse Orosco my baseball instincts tell me that survival trumps respect and since Thome's 600 landed in a Detroit bullpen (a makeshift structure created when the fences were moved in at Comerica Park due to repeated complaints from Tiger hitters who couldn't get it up and out under the original stadium configuration) I can only dream of the day when I'll have another opportunity to run a $20,000 deposit slip toward the first solvent bank I can find should one still exist.

2011-09-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Not with a bang but a whimper some dead guy said it Ron Gardenhire lives it, so ends a decade of Twins baseball under the gardentool a cold dirty pile of what might have been. I'm told he never got the chance to manage in 2011 given the laundry list of injuries which rendered us sapless and besides surely he's earned a free pass after 6 division titles in 10 years. Never got a chance? It's when misfortune strikes that one is forced to manage. Anyone could train a chimp to deliver the same lineup card to home plate every day in fact I think someone did it's that same crowd-pleasing chimp who jumps out of the dugout and hops up & down in front of the umpire from time to time. You know the one I'm talking about that stupid-looking primate way in the corner of the exhibit which appears to be in a coma most of the time but then suddenly goes apeshit-for-ejection much to the delight of the paying customers who reward the performance with applause bananas. As for the 6 in 10, sadistic horse trainers everywhere fantasize that just once in their lives they'll have an opportunity to whip some freakish 3 year old all the way into the field of the Kentucky Derby - that's their dream, once, just once to run for the roses. Ron Gardenhire got six shots and each time the horse pulled up progressively lame until what remained after ten years under Gardy resembles some crow-bit nag suffering from stage fright which aimlessly limps about the barn saddled with historic postseason failure vainly crying out for a new jockey......Sorry I momentarily forgot that no one has given a rat's ass about horse racing since the 1950's....How about 1 run games? Does a manager have a chance to make a difference there? This was the year of the one run game in Minnesota particularly early in the season, 50% of April and May games fit that description yet summer arrived with a chalk outline already around the Twins dead by June in a division where all you need is a pulse. Some of us helplessly wasted by the still fresh intoxication of Target Field foolishly refused to stop searching for that pulse an unfortunate delay giving rise to nothing but a bloated corpse, a corpse which sadly remains on display for public viewing until mercifully at long last it can be officially buried on September 28, 2011.

2011-03-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

Enjoy 2011 while it lasts Smilin' Bud Selig has all but decreed that this will be the last season of the initial wild card era - we hardly knew thy first bastard - as he remains both living & dead set on ushering in the wild card expansion era yet another pestilence scheduled to arrive in 2012. "Two more teams would give us 10 and 10 out of 30 I still think is a rational mix" (said the man who unleashed the unbalanced schedule). Rational how Commissioner? "It's more fair than 8" offered up Bud declining to cite a fact or figure from the encyclopedia of baseball in defense of his rationality preferring we rely on his well-honed instincts toward fairness which no doubt tell him a fair amount of cash was left on the table in 2010 when the Boston Red Sox were the odd team out....yep another blog another conspiracy theory....what have i become? Perhaps I should apologize to the office of the commissioner (a position which pays around $18 million per year) after all no sordid pattern exists where Bud Selig performed favors for John Henry under the table in the past he's simply a public servant selflessly erasing baseball's traditional inequity in order to give the people what they want - indeed enough already with this Rangers Devil Rays shit we need Red Sox-Yankees and we need it every October those blocks of domestic & international ad time aren't going to sell themselves.

2011-01-03T18:28:00.000-08:00

2010? Over and best to be forgotten unless you enjoy recurring nightmares involving evil empires arriving in the middle of the night to deprive you of sleep & dignity a degradation in which to start every morning until the 2011 Twins take the field at which time you can only hope to rid yourself of the memory of Ron Gardenhire's award winning season. I present to you the reigning American League manager of the year and the quotes extracted from him after game 3 of the 2010 ALDS.

"Right now we're in a little rut here"

There are no little ruts Gardy a rut by definition implies established procedure and I'm pretty sure 12 straight playoff losses qualifies as such.

"We clinched early we thought we'd be able to get everybody healthy we had some guys still beat up guys had to sit out 5, 6 days trying to get healthy and I don't think their swings really came back to 'em a couple of guys and uh we battled through that but uh no excuses"

No excuses? you just suggested a couple of players in your lineup let the team down. Mauer and Thome were both rested down the stretch are those the individuals your referring to? If not Mauer or Thome then who? Who else didn't come to play Gardy? but no excuses. Incidentally, the only person we have clear evidence of letting the team down was Gardenhire himself earning an automatic ejection during game 2 for arguing balls & strikes after going out of his way to confront his old nemesis Hunter Wendelstedt (said by Gardy to have a "smart-ass mouth" during their very public 2009 feud) by taking an extended trip to the mound to visit starting pitcher Carl Pavano a trip in Gardenhire's own words "to calm Carl down. Calm everything down" his method for which brought the umpire from behind home plate to a position up close & personal with the agitated pitcher it was then that Gardy calmed everybody down by engaging in a heated exchange with Wendelstedt a nasty back & forth resulting in the Twins manager being thrown out of a playoff game which still hung in the balance.

Responding to a reporter who used the word 'dominated' when describing the Yankees/Twins abusive relationship Gardenhire said "I don't think its called domination I think they find a way to win"..."I think if you look at all the games between us a mistake here a mistake there and the game could be turned the other way"..."but dominate i think is not the right word to use with us, record-wise yeah they've won 9 in a row but that's not dominating us other than wins & losses the games are really close that could go either way"

Your right Gardy other than wins & losses things have gone well enough to get you a postseason participation trophy your reward for exhibiting an uncanny ability to take talented team after talented team all the way to the level of competitive - fine shepherding indeed the October trail you've blazed will remain visible for decades to come a deep dirty rut for future settlers to follow.

2010-10-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

Rather than delete my previous post in which I foreswore my desire to see Ron Gardenhire terminated I leave it up as a reminder of my weakness wrought from one to many starry Target Field nights awash in cold beer, fresh air, polish sausage w/onions and the greenest of green grass opiates powerful enough to sway me to actually put in print that I had learned to accept Gardenhire a mistake for which I apologize to my friends, my family, my God and most importantly the 10% of Twins fans who would still want Gardy fired after a world series appearance - its that ten percent I let down and believe me after examining Gardenhire's body language during the 2010 ALDS it will never happen again as I've been permanently scarred by his catatonic game 3 performance burying his hang-dog head into his hands folded on the dugout rail spending the last hour of an elimination game inviting viewers to feel sorry for the predicament in which he found himself that of a field-manager presiding over his 12th straight playoff loss a gutless display for which he will be rewarded with a contract extension enabling him to set a 2011 bar so low that the 90% will be pacified by just one postseason win.

2010-09-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

Faithless reader: as of September 22, 2010 I no longer publicly endorse the firing of Ron Gardenhire. Perhaps I've made the transition to lapdog like so many others but maybe it was the work of the 2010 Minnesota Twins a scrappy bunch capable of anything even driving excess hate from my heart then carving out a spot in whats left of it right next to the 2002 squad still my personal favorite just one or two stratego moves from taking over the world but there I go again living in the past - whether it be 2002 or 2009 when two of the three ALDS games versus New York were decided by base running mistakes (Gomez game 2 Punto game 3) mistakes well-managed little league world series teams never make - when I should be basking in that which lies before us a postseason future yet untold bound to be brighter now that I've learned to accept not only our manager (even when we have a runner on 2nd base with nobody out and fail to score a league-wide epidemic I cant hold Gardy solely accountable for) but the universal truth that things could indeed be far worse.... Mike Hargrove comes to mind.

* the preceding statement should not in any shape, manner or form be construed as approval of Gardenhire's choice for 3rd base coach who has the baseball instincts of a squirrel.

2010-02-15T15:39:00.000-08:00

Long rumored to have been built on an unmarked hobo graveyard the Metrodome like the vacant east side it occupies wont completely rest in peace as the agoraphobic in our fare city continue to clamor for April and September dates with Hubert H. Humphrey. And before u shrug off my concerns with a "oh that's just the sentiment of a small % of the mentally ill and/or enfeebled population" just know as the 2009 season drew closer to an end sales of dome tribute t-shirts emblazoned with '2,268 games without a rain out' skyrocketed and those i saw wearing them were in the 30 - 50 year old demographic admittedly not a large enough sample to write off an entire generation but damn close. #2 in the 1-2 punch to my kidneys is provided by the media both national and local - u cant swing a dead metrodome rat without hitting any number of talking heads on ESPN still aghast that Minnesotans would build a new stadium without a retractable roof yet they would never consider such an affront to the baseball gods at their frigid shrines in New York and Boston - when the wind off the lake is cutting you in half on a cold April night in Chicago just try to find one F'n Illinois bastard demanding that which is somehow expected of us - there's no talk of growing ivy anywhere but their seedy backyard lest they be locked up by the mayor for even suggesting an alternative but damn those Minnesotans they bent over for every other tax why not one more to finance a lid capable of sealing everyone in. In time i guess they'll get their wish but for now i can stand the debate no longer disconnecting my 30 year relationship with ESPN saving me 50 bucks in the process which pays for 2 seats in the sun per month. And while in slash and burn mode why not pocket another 10 by abandoning the local newspaper which is no less afflicted by journalists pining to retain the option of scurrying back to the dome in the event of inclement weather. A "writer" for the St. Paul Pioneer Press who shall remain nameless...o.k. a hint...lacking the ability to string together sentences he simply begins every assignment with "Itemizing a few things" then presents an "Item": _____ followed by "I think": ____ (aside to the reader: i was paying money for this to be left on my doorstep) posed this question to Twins president Dave St. Peter on the eve of TwinsFest 2010 - "You could have a cold and wet April and bad weather in September. Have there been any discussions about playing a few games at the Metrodome if weather is an issue at Target Field?" (Pioneer Press 1/28/10 page 2d). Get the F out of my office would have been the appropriate response i didn't wait for the official answer i was busy adding ten dollars a month to my disposable income cancelling my subscription yet again and i can truly say the only thing i miss are the Las Vegas lines printed daily in the sports section a public service provided by every major U.S. newspaper interested in aiding and abetting addiction to an activity illegal in 49 states an unfortunate editorial oversight different than the gross negligence of printing state sponsored lottery numbers a distinction i could ponder for hours should i have time to kill in Target Field during an upcoming snow day, rain delay or rolling blackout.

2009-12-31T01:43:00.000-08:00

What no analysis of the Twins - Yankees 2009 ALDS the hatemail asked. I guess when u first have a nightmare (say 2003) u tend to share it with others when it becomes a recurring nightmare (2004) u consider professional help and when u fear the idea of sleep itself because that same nightmare awaits u tonight (2009) u share your feelings with no one lest they see into your private hell where insomnia has dominion over you. And who could sleep anyway its the last day of 2009 so why not fire off one last hatemail of my own before this foul decade belongs to the history books which likely wont want any part of it - i can see it now future generations flipping through the pages until they get to the part where parents started giving mood altering prescription drugs to their 5 year olds saying "oh so thats how it ended" - actually thats just the tip of the iceberg but why look below the surface right? breathe while you can easier said than done as I shovel significant pounds of snow in anticipation of new years eve party guests who would be well within their right to sue me into oblivion should they break an ankle on the ice which has overtaken the pavement so i chisel it all away spilling blood in the process my hands raw after 100 days of winter but 50% of the way to spring why pry $20 from my wallet for a decent pair of gloves now - shit warmer already i say just 100 to go then before u know it those of us fortunate enough to survive will be sitting at Target Field trying to forget it ever happened and so i drink to the halfway point as though i didnt already have a reason on december 31st after all need i remind my fellow Minnesotans that we are only 12 hours from the kickoff of the insight.com bowl pitting the gophers against iowa state a cruel year end punishment meted out by sick playoff-hating ncaa presidents who prefer to pop their corks into random toilet bowls meaningless exhibition games that 10 years from now hundreds of people will say they attended and dozens will claim to have witnessed on TV - all will be lying.

2009-10-02T01:20:00.000-07:00

Day 1 of 200 in this Minnesota winter colder with the realization that Ron Gardenhire now owns the Twins managerial job for as long as he wants due to his critically acclaimed performance skippering the team through another run at the postseason -that's right turn a 162 game schedule featuring 72 games against KC, Cleveland, Chicago, and Detroit into 86 wins and you too can earn manager of the year consideration and be mentioned in the same breath as Billy Martin, Gene Mauch, and Tom Kelly. Give him the lifetime contract right now because with Target Field opening in 6 months if your not going to change regimes this off-season in all probability you never will until perhaps a decade from now by which time Gardy and the incinerator adjacent to the new ballpark will have rendered Twins territory uninhabitable just another natural disaster awaiting us while in the present i live in the past stuck in August of '09 when seemingly every day found the Twins 5 games back yet sadly we were being mismanaged by a moron already looking ahead to the 2010 season. It wasn't just Gardenhire even most Twins fans i knew had also given up (i repeat had given up in August 5 games back with an unbalanced schedule laying helplessly before them) and Gardy lent credence to their demeaning surrender giving several media interviews about the poor hand he was dealt and what he needed to succeed in 2010. It was his way of planting an unconscious seed in the listener's head that his tenure should be considered as a given and he fertilized that seed whenever things looked bleakest particularly post August 16th after the Twins went 2 - 4 on a home stand against the Royals and Indians dropping them 5 games below .500 (yet just 6 out of 1st place) prompting the local media to run a "Is it time to fire Ron Gardenhire?" poll and causing Gardy to go into spin mode blaming the front office for not supplying him with enough arms (i can think of 20 teams that would trade pitching staffs with us) going so far as to tell the Star Tribune that during the upcoming off-season management "cant screw around" when it comes to bullpen acquisitions then the next day pleading with the Pioneer Press to sympathize with the unfortunate position the Twins had placed him in by giving him 4 talented outfielders to choose from (Span, Cuddyer, Young, Gomez) telling beat writers "Its not a good situation I didn't like it from the get go"- I imagine that GM's in Pittsburgh, Washington DC and other assorted wastelands were mumbling under their breath for Gardy to F off a feeling i know all to well - a feeling that no doubt will serve as an extra blanket for me as I begin month 1 of 6 in this Minnesota winter made colder when Gardy's chatter proved meaningless after Morneau's injury moved Cuddyer to first base yet didn't change a thing in the outfield if u ask Carlos Gomez. And so i suspect anything Ron Gardenhire told me during August of '09 was unadulterated by-product manufactured by a manager not only motivated by fear but indignant that he would be assigned any responsibility for his team's sub .500 performance and the deeper the team sank in late August the further Gardy shrank into the corner of the dugout failing to give off even a hint of confidence just a mass of nervous energy overfed to us by Fox Sports Net's gardy-cam which provides his reaction to every F'n pitch leaving many viewers jittery and disoriented to the point that they actually accepted Gardenhire's premise that the last month of the season was a good time to lay the blame for 2009 at the feet of others (i.e. the GM, the scouts, the players, umpires with "smart ass mouths", etc.) a fact easily forgotten now that the Twins are heading toward the postseason a reversal of fortune that now sees Gardy bright eyed and bushy tailed even venturing out of his hole long enough to sniff at the salivating lapdogs who will write about his candidacy for manager of the year lapdogs who need to be hit over the head with a rolled up unbalanced schedule then forced to stick their nose in it.

2009-07-25T05:24:00.000-07:00

Nero fiddled while Rome burned no longer do i wonder why. What more have I done as Twins manager Ron Gardenhire sets a match to the 2009 season other than sit idly by watching it all go up in smoke - Poof there goes another MVP performance from Justin Morneau - another batting title and possible MVP for Joe Mauer - a breakthrough year for Jason Kubel like Michael Cuddyer swinging a 30 HR 90 RBI bat - 4 arms in the bullpen with an ERA under 3 including a lights out closer and dont forget the young up and coming talent in the outfield and starting rotation that other organizations drool over u can drool all u want you'll never need a bib bigger than Gardenhire's who spends post-game press conferences not apologizing for parlaying the aforementioned talent into a 48 - 50 team or expressing regret for blowing a ten run lead vs the A's then surrendering a 9 run inning vs the California Angels in the same week (both franchise records courtesy of Gardy's premature evacuation problem a decade long affliction which causes him to remove the starting pitcher upon first impulse) rather our manager prefers to use the camera time to publicly cry for a new 2nd baseman apparently unaware the GM has an office with a door that both opens and closes. The blown ten run lead at Oakland (7/20/09) was particularly painful in and of itself but Gardenhire poured gasoline onto my wounded body when he told the Associated Press the game illustrated the need for expanded instant replay because it ended with a close play at home plate - quote Gardy "I've said all along I want a red flag"..."football has a red flag why cant we?"..."I'd keep it in my sock like they do"..."I could have thrown it out there and then they could have run and checked replay. It would have been perfect."(AP 7/22/09) - funny his idea of perfection would be my inner circle of hell but i digress because the point is he used the debacle not to self-examine his decision making but to suggest fundamental changes to the foundation of baseball. The entire F'n game hinges on umpire discretion beginning with the strike zone should we implement a machine that beeps once for a strike twice for a ball ? Perhaps I'm overreacting because after all Gardenhire has said stupider things during post-game media sessions none quite as memorable as his comments 5/18/09 after a rare 4 game sweep in New York left him 3 - 23 at Yankee Stadium (3 and 23 for his career in the Bronx am I the only person outside of Boston who finds this fact alone to be grounds for immediate termination) when asked about the albatross Gardy (as reported by Twins beat writer Joe Christensen) said "I dont think we pay alot of attention to it. Its just numbers. It doesnt get in my head. I dont give a rip" (Star Tribune 5/19/09). Ok so our manager is either a complete moron or he's lying to us i tend to believe the former based on additional statements that same night "We didnt play bad baseball here. We got beat but we didnt play bad baseball here. We played pretty damn good baseball here." (espn.com 5/19/09). Ah yes classic Gardenhire playing the familiar role of Miss Congeniality with his oh those scrappy Twins battling their tails off wasnt it cute how they kept all 4 games of the series close. We didnt play bad baseball ? Minnesota hitters went 4 for 38 with runners in scoring position but that matters not to Gardy a dropout in Tom Kelly's school of situational hitting who tends to deflect any criticism by pointing out the superiority of the team that just bashed his brains in (incidentally the rancid Washington Nationals went to Yankee Stadium with a 16 - 45 record and took 2 of 3). In the case of Gardenhire vs New York its always something like - thats a pretty darn good team over there in the other locker room they beat us but at least we didnt beat ourselves - of course not we do things the Twins way we never run the bases poorly or fail to hit the cutoff man. This myth that we do all the little things right has mushroomed into a giant flaming bag of dogshit that seems incapable of being extinguished as long as Ron Gardenhire is on the job and lets face reality he probably isn't going anywhere considering the man remains beloved while managing a team consisting of multiple future hall of famers to a .500 record (it could be far worse he owes a serious debt of gratitude to the unbalanced schedule) - Gardy is overweight, bald, fishes, bowls, and bbq's where is the hatred going to come from. Do I expect talent to overcome incompetence and see the Twins playing post season ball in the very near future? of course i do - maybe this year -even at 48 and 50 we're still the team that the others in the A.L. Central fear but as for me i live in a different state of fear sensing that any day now i will wake up in darkness dripping with sweat my heart pounding as the doorbell rings in the middle of the night realizing that the gigantic flaming bag of dogshit has made its way to my front porch and by now its far to late to control the blaze leaving me to smolder in the ashes screaming for the head of the arsonist.

2009-02-16T19:06:00.000-08:00

Occasionally tired of butchering one another Union & Confederate soldiers would kill time away from the battlefield with countless innings of baseball cultivating a national past time spanning over 150 years until that common ground was laid to waste by farm animals grazing dangerously close to Abner Doubleday's grave. Abner not only shaped America's game he went to bat for the Union Army distinguishing himself at the Battle of Gettysburg while the offending animals made a name for themselves soiling the founding father's plot in the guise of player, owner, and commissioner. Unsatisfied with the life of a ballplayer, resentful of others having $200 million in the bank while being forced to live on half that, and consumed by feelings of inadequacy due to borderline hall of fame talent the choice became simple - inject the swine with human growth hormone. Did your daddy only give you co-ownership of the New York Yankees? Displeased your billion dollar toy didn't come fully loaded with a functioning farm? Are you unable to grow crops of your own yet still shameless enough to monopolize the trough during harvest? well by all means procure a team of all-stars, roll around in your own filth for a couple of decades, then decry the system as being unfair when your Yankees fail to make the playoffs for the first time in 14 years. Rising above the squalor was to be the office of the commissioner a position created solely to protect the game slowly devolved into just another tax collector a revenue chasing whore operating upon an unproven theory that increased run production leads to larger pots of gold giving us juiced baseballs, lower pitching mounds, designated hitters, microscopic strike zones & little league dimensions the latter of which retains at least one redeeming quality for it is far easier to corral pigs on a smaller field.

2008-10-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

Oh I see - because the media picked the Twins to finish 3rd or 4th in the A.L. Central I'm supposed to be happy about the '08 season. How could anyone in their right mind enjoy 2008? The national media televises roughly one Twins game per year & calls our all-star first baseman Jason rendering their preseason predictions meaningless. Human beings cant figure out four way stop signs what makes you think they can foretell the future. Just examine history if you want clues regarding whats going to happen. The Twins have been legitimate contenders for the division title every year since 2001 - why would 2008 be any different? Take a look in our dugout - MVP's, batting titles, and baseball's best closer ('08 ERA's - Nathan 1.33 Rivera 1.40 K-Rod 2.24) so can we please stop playing the underdog card? I prefer to scan my memory banks for factual reasons which caused the Twins to miss out on October baseball (arguably game 163 at Chicago qualifies as postseason play dropping Ron Gardenhire's playoff record to 6 - 16). Before we get to the facts I recall a sense of impending doom on the eve of opening day when the March 28th Wall Street Journal utilized flawed methodology to state on page W1 that Gardenhire was baseball's best manager shaking me up so badly I immediately withdrew from the futures market, buried commodities in my backyard and bought a gun. Busy digging holes I barely took notice of Gardy's springtime romance with Brian Bass inserting him repeatedly into late innings of close games costing us dearly in April and May. An offensive spring turned to stagnant summer until Alexi Casilla escaped from Gardenhire's depth chart finally given a chance to play and deliver September's biggest hit but only after injuries to Tolbert, Everett, and Punto forced Gardy to go to Casilla albeit 3 months late. Denard Span almost didnt arrive at all - cut by the manager at the end of spring training when Gardenhire decided to go North with 5 outfielders not named Denard Span. Hidden at AAA Span was just about to commit to playing for the U.S. Olympic team which would have kept our ignitor off the field until September when once again an injury came to the aid of Gardy because Cuddyer's well timed trip to the DL sent Span to Minneapolis instead of Beijing. 1 through 4 in the batting order now secure the Twins set sail loaded with so much young talent I began to pity the White Sox who were beginning to show their age fading badly impotent with the bat and scored on at will. It was all there for the taking in late August when suddenly the Twins fled the city overrun by republican delegates attempting to rally conservatives in Minnesota of all places & upon Gardenhire's post-convention return he dropped anchor setting the tone for the stretch run telling reporters "I'm honestly tired, mentally drained" (pioneer press 9/8/08). Mentally drained 1 game out of first place? Apparently so and the team took on the personality of its manager going 11 -15 in September by far their worst month giving the division title to a broken down Chicago team which crawled across the finish line winning one more game than the Twins. One game? Shit we had 20 games compromised by a manager sticking with his Jugs machine Livan Hernandez serving up batting practice while Francisco Liriano & his agent were heating up down on the farm - who can forget Gardenhire angrily criticizing the talking heads on ESPN for second guessing his commitment to Jugs. Sadly in the land of 10,000 lakes to many suckers swim aimlessly allowing those same talking heads to convince them that the Twins were destined for a poor season and so while the 2008 nightmare continues to haunt me others sleep peacefully reassured their team surpassed national expectations.

2008-07-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

A split second after hearing a loud sickening ping my skull is smashed by a baseball driven by an aluminum bat and dying on the dirty mound I curse the periodic table & the killers that lurk there. Aluminum ? Couldn't I have been slaughtered for gold or silver like so many others ? The Reaper enters the field of play answering no questions only eyeing the on-deck circle when suddenly I woke up in a cold sweat to the sound of another horrible ping realizing it was just a nightmare produced from falling asleep while watching the College World Series. Cowhide wasn't meant to be struck by anything not fashioned from an ash tree then again the American campus was never intended to destroy free speech but here we are living in such a world where impotent University Presidents face to face with fascism fail to sport wood preferring to receive it in the form of cash from bowl committees forever preventing a football playoff and contracts with aluminum suppliers denying baseball addicts the sweet crack of the bat.

2008-05-31T17:51:00.000-07:00

The man who presided over a World Series cancellation accomplishing what W.W. I, W.W. II, & W.W. Pi couldn't - The man who implemented the unbalanced schedule allowing Yankees & Red Sox to do what they do best - play with each other - a sordid affair which spirals into a three-way with ESPN lasting four hours a night as both teams take close pitches and are inexplicably rewarded for it - The man who targeted the 2001 Twins for contraction a 85 win team fresh off pennant contention the franchise & its prized farm system to be carved up and auctioned off to the usual suspects - The man who took the quick buck provided by interleague play turning his back on a century of tradition tarnishing any mystique held by the All-Star Game and World Series - And just today that man Commissioner Selig tossed another history book on the fire ushering in the instant replay era which I believe begins with experimentation on some remote island before Bud inevitably brings it ashore releasing his newest mutation into an unsuspecting public to busy circling the drain to notice.

2008-03-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

That bittersweet light at the end of the tunnel must be April. Play ball Pay taxes - baseball existed decades before the Constitution was altered in 1913 introducing Americans to the income tax so I suspect the first time citizens were told "you have until April 15th to come up with the money or else" preoccupation with the beginning of the season accompanied by the springtime imperative to plant seeds distracted them from questioning a yearly payoff to the same bully who needs daily bread. Last years tax deadline fell on a sunday i know this because in a panic, not realizing we had been graciously granted a 24 hour extension to postmark the payment, i rushed downtown and crossed paths near the mailbox with Twins manager Ron Gardenhire who I hadnt seen since the time he cut in line in front of me at the bank. I ended up following (not stalking) him to the construction site of the future ballpark where the team was holding an unveiling ceremony featuring the design specifications and despite the fact that it wont be open for business until 2010 Gardenhire informed reporters he was especially pleased with the location of the manager's office (see 4/13/07 star tribune). Obviously impressed with his job performance (6-15 postseason) Gardy is oblivious to a scenario where he isnt managing the Twins and that thought haunted me on what should have been a celebratory occasion. Attempting to drive away the depression I delved deeper into the stadium blueprints and found my silver lining - No Retractable Roof ! - How many of us fleeing the H.H.H. Metrodome in search of outdoor baseball roadtripped to Miller Park only to find the roof on because of a hint of rain or chilly conditions. Even when the retractable slides off it casts a shadow over most of the seats leaving suckers in the shade pondering the tax increase which made it possible to block out the sun 81 times per year rather than suffer 1 or 2 weather related cancellations. It never did rain during my last stay in Milwaukee yet 2 of 3 games were played with the lid down and sadly I was in the minority registering my disgust convincing me that the national past time is sitting indoors. Cold ? Windy ? Chance of snow ? Come 2010 I'll be scooping up tickets below face value while u secretly wish to be protected from the world by Hubert H. Humphrey in his temperature controlled mausoleum. How dare the sky involve itself in major league baseball doesnt it realize 21st century fans are entitled to a risk free experience sheltered from both ominous clouds and the sun's deadly rays.

2008-02-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

Ron Gardenhire cant stop polishing his bowling ball and I fear he may need an intervention. Gardy's employer, the MLB franchise from Minnesota, spent the weekend hosting 30,000 fans at Twins Fest 2008 showcasing the future stadium and selling season tickets. 32 players from the 40 man roster were also in attendance signing autographs and more importantly Justin Morneau punctuated the party signing a long term contract extension. Noticeably absent from the team event scheduled months ago was manager Gardenhire who had a rare chance to compete in a bowling tournament. While he was blowing on his hand I was driving St. Paul to Minneapolis dodging murderous minivans & massive potholes cheating death and destruction hoping to materialize at the Metrodome. Nearing my final exit I surveyed an escape from the interstate but signaling a lane change being a remnant of the 20th century I instead changed signals on the A.M. dial leaving 1500 (the radio home of the Twins broadcasting live from the dome) and tuned in 830 (former home of the Twins & current ratings rival) just in time to hear Ron Gardenhire call in & report that he had no expectations of winning the bowling tournament but would be excited to finish in the top 30. Hell Gardy think top ten you might qualify for nationals or even end up on the tour hitting the road never coming back. Far away from Minnesota you could manage slow pitch softball teams & solve crimes in your spare time - you'll be much happier and so will I.

2007-12-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

Who bought a used car from Bud Selig ? I hold u personally responsible for his improbable evolution from dealer to owner to commissioner. Who thought he would stand up and walk upright let alone rise to power within the cartel which eliminated the independent office of the commissioner of baseball. I lived in Wisconsin & Bud never sold me a car - thats how i sleep at night - but I'm guilty of turning a blind eye as he handed the keys to the Milwaukee franchise to his daughter and assumed the position. Accountable to no one Selig revealed himself to be anything but the harmless court jester who delivered the most comical ceremonial first pitch of all time (someone please save that footage) instead clown turned king terrorizing the countryside threatening eviction, relocation, & contraction simultaneously playing the wild card on our ass subjecting us to the eternal northeast wet dream of a Yankee-Red Sox ALCS as well as pushing the World Series into November. Game 7 of this years October Classic would have been played 11/01/2007 lest Selig & his pirate crew lose a piece of gold scheduling doubleheaders during long hot summer days. No, Bud prefers to freeze & on one fateful date in baseball history he froze for the ages allowing an all-star game to end in a tie then compounded his trivial mental error with a complete disfigurement of the game and its history declaring future all-star exhibitions (in which participation is determined by internet voters to frightened to attend games) decide home field advantage in the World Series. Not satisfied rewriting domestic policy Bud went abroad and invaded Montreal dragging Expo carcass across the border rewarding his generals with estates in the District of Columbia, Boston, & Florida then landed on the Caribbean shores forcing what remained of the Montreal franchise to toil in the fields of Puerto Rico while Bud basked on the beach burying his head in the sand during the clubhouse-turned-steroid den era abdicating responsibility while the game was soiled with a permanent asterisk because he believed homers helped ratings increasing ad revenue which normal people dont give a shit about but apparently a billionaire owner/commissioner can still get excited over one extra zero on the deposit slip.

2007-08-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

Its high time to gaze into the old crystal ball - 3 Twins should snag gold gloves this season - I see MVP's and batting titles past, present & future - and oh by the way Cy Youngs and potential Cy Youngs occupy our rotation and bullpen. Next year's starting staff will consist of any combination of Santana, Baker, Garza, Liriano, Slowey, Blackburn, and Perkins assuring winning teams for the next decade dampening any dream of a Twins world without Ron Gardenhire who will go along for the ride until being exposed every October. So that is the quandary in which I find myself - enamored with young talent I wouldnt trade for any other roster in baseball but frightened by the spectre of Gardy melting under the bright lights of the big stage. Can anyone who studied the 2007 season honestly say we have a well managed team ? Well-managed teams move runners over, run the bases at a post-little league level, execute more than one successful hit & run per month, drop down decent bunts, and at the very least find a way to manufacture one run per game. The 2007 Twins threaten the franchise record for being shut out. It gets worse - we play indoor baseball with a white roof. In late July the first place Tigers arrived in downtown Minneapolis. Outside the metrodome its hot hazy and 80. Inside Hubert H. Humphrey pumps you full of lung friendly air conditioning & in a similar violation of the Clean Indoor Air Act Jim Leyland chainsmokes Ron Gardenhire defying the statewide casino exempt smoking ban outmaneuvering the Gardentool in a series of 1 run games. Searching for a silver lining? Keep looking - firestarter Todd Jones saved all 3 games of a Tiger sweep & Gary Sheffield was HBP < 1 time.

2007-07-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

Spare me your lectures on the Yankees and their economic advantage over the Twins - The advantage lies in the dugout. For those of you who continue to ignore the mental state of Ron Gardenhire consider the following : During Tom Kelly's last 3 seasons as manager (1999-2001) the Twins averaged around 70 wins per season but had a 7 - 6 record at Yankee Stadium beating Yankee teams that will win the World Series. 2002 - Gardenhire is hired by default. Right about this time the Yankees stop winning championships en route to the nursing home while our developing Twins start stockpiling division titles. Advantage Twins right? Wrong - as in 3 - 19 wrong, that being Gardenhire's up to date regular season record at Yankee Stadium. Devil Rays and Royals dick around and take 2 of 3 from New York on a regular basis but Twins fans get the painful experience of urgently waiting to use the stadium bathroom stuck in line behind Ron Gardenhire only to see our manager slink away from the trough disappointed. Thats right, the man has stage fright. I repeat 3 - 19 at Yankee Stadium. Want a bigger stage? Gardenhire's post-season record is 6 - 15 and save me from your cards and letters to go easy on Gardy because quote "The Twins have ran into some good teams in the playoffs." Just what kind of teams were you expecting to play in October?

2007-06-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

Section A- International Death Toll
Section B- Local Death Toll
Section C- movie reviewers ( a fate worse than death )
Drained by the soul shattering experience that is the daily newspaper I arrive at the sports section searching for a reason to continue or cancel my subscription. I owe the sales dept. a phone call considering they harass me at all hours dumbfounded that i wont accept their generous offer to drop a sunday stack of shit on my doorstep for only one extra dollar a week. Rudely hang up before u hear the sales pitch, they see politeness as a weakness to exploit. Do i need a forest of editorials, tv guides and advertisements? I've already been schooled - Economics 101 - Sell sex to manufacture diapers. They want us all wearing 'em they need regular customers. My subscription mercifully comes to an end but not before Twins manager Ron Gardenhire could weigh in on the horrifying reality of having to witness Barry Bonds surpass Henry Aaron. As you know, beat writers like to stick things in the manager's face & got the following Gardenhire quote (pioneer press 6/10/07) which had me hunting for a pair of huggies - " I haven't seen one person prove this guy is guilty of anything....Nobody can prove he's guilty, so I'm excited to watch him do this."

2007-05-20T15:10:00.000-07:00

May 15, 2007. A date which has haunted me for some time now. After one inning of play Twins pitcher Ramon Ortiz was trailing the major league team from Cleveland to be renamed later 6 - 2 yet i remained optimistic that Ron Gardenhire wouldnt attempt to manage the game by prematurely spilling out of the dugout & going to the bullpen. After all Ortiz was our only multi-million dollar offseason acquisition and more importantly the Twins were 1 inning into game 1 of a 9 day 9 game road trip. Lets not panic i thought, surely our manager comprehends simple fractions like 1/81 but Gardy's calculator only adds up to 8008 and he summoned the bullpen. No one handles big league pitching like Ron Gardenhire - see 2002 postseason Rick Reed over Johan Santana - see 2003 postseason Kyle Lohse over Kenny Rogers - but i calmed down by rationalizing that once the move was made the last pitcher to make the roster would be handed the ball to take one for the team throwing at least 80 pitches regardless of the outcome & when the Twins trailed 9 - 2 after 2 innings (hey gardy if your solar powered calculator is still functioning that would be 2/81 of the way through the road trip) i fell asleep content that our franchise could once again overcome our manager. I woke up to yet another nightmare. The morning box score showed the score had gone to 15 - 3 and Gardenhire's scorched earth policy layed waste(as only he can) to Ortiz, Perkins, Guerrier, Crain (yes Crain brought into a 9 - 2 game), Rincon (brought into a 15-3 game), and Reyes. I felt disoriented but if Santana is pitching tonight he's good for 7 innings (just 7 because Gardy is frightened of a bizzaro world where starters go 8 or 9) therefore the damage done to our bullpen wouldnt seem so traumatic. I searched the sports section for information - morning sickness set in - Carlos Silva was scheduled to start and Jesse Crain was scheduled for a M.R.I. his shoulder squandered holding a mop. Crain's season is over but for The People of Minnesota vs. Ron Gardenhire the trial has just begun. May God see us through it.

2007-03-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

Back in the fire we go. Why? Because that is the path most often chosen. Ron Gardenhire takes a different path & splits from the whole F'n program every October. The latest postseason installment saw the A's break out the broom for an easy sweep of the Twins & when the dust cleared manager Ken Macha was fired and Gardenhire retained. When did justice become a 4 letter word? August 1? September 1? Damn the ominous trade deadlines bringing us Rick Reed, Pat Borders, and most recently Phil Nevin who jumped off my milk carton into the heart of the Twins batting order given a game 1 start at DH after which he soon reappeared in my refrigerator. 2 games later - backs against the wall - Brad Radke starts game 3 & can last only 4 innings. The Twins trailing by a few runs in an elimination game in theory would be looking for a proven reliever. Rincon? Crain? Neshek? Reyes? How about September call up Glen Perkins a FUTURE projected STARTER. The rookie is summoned from the bullpen having been with the team long enough to claim 1 impressive regular season outing. A couple of pitches later A's are on 3rd and 2nd base and nobody is out. Yo Ron ! Elimination game ! Gardenhire staggers out of the dugout NOW deciding to go to baseball's best bullpen........ Denny Green was bbq'ed in this town for going 4 - 8 in the postseason. Ron Gardenhire has sunk to depths Denny dared not dream, 6 - 15, yet he is what Minnesota Nice wants living next door so lets come to a compromise which keeps him on the payroll. Tom Kelly, Paul Molitor, or Gary Gaetti can manage the team and Gardenhire can wear the T.C. costume scampering out to right field with a giant inflatable baseball which he rolls into 10 enormous inflatable bats. 1 frame between each inning his last toss coming after the game would no doubt thin out the traffic jam by keeping some fans in the stands dazed in anticipation that T.C. might bowl a final score that matches a number on their bingo card.

2005-12-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

Some mornings are colder than others. I needed to take the ice scraper to the outside and inside of my car windows this particular morning not that I needed to see the road because I wasn't going anywhere after my car died on the side of the interstate. Good thing I keep a cell phone in my car for emergencies - wrong ! the sub zero temperature had rendered my phone useless, oh sure it claimed to have a signal but believe this - you can dial as many #'s as you want there isnt anyone waiting for you at the end of the line. I had placed my faith in Japanese engineering and forsaken by my car and phone here I was on December 7th caught with my pants down. My faith in technology had left me so blind that I didnt even have the forseeability to keep blankets, boots, gloves, and hats in the trunk. Clearly Darwin would say I deserved to die which is exactly what the rush hour commuters were hoping for as they sped by at 7 a.m. Who could blame them? Like me they were in grave danger of being 5 minutes late for work doing 80 in a 60 and cursing any object which triggered the appearance of brake lights in front of them. I should have seen it coming that morning when my car, brutalized by an overnight low of -10 degrees, for the first time failed to say its good morning ding ding ding when I opened its door to leave for work its cold silence indicated I was to be alone on this trip which is exactly where I found myself. In any other city in America a cab was likely to go by but this was St.Paul where the taxi apparently hasnt been introduced yet. I actually found myself hoping to see a police car but cops only come out at night unable to appear until darkness falls. The sun was quickly setting on my ass as I realized I could no longer feel my extremities so I assembled a checklist of items in the car to enlist in my battle against time. The only assets in my car were a cigarette lighter and yesterdays newspaper. I should have wrapped the paper around me as an extra layer of clothing but just the thought of the hot stove league brought a temporary flicker of warmth to my soul and I was unable to to resist going straight to the sports section. December 6th Pioneer Press page 4-d item #1 - Twins manager Ron Gardenhire commenting on the acquisition of Luis Castillo said he wasn't sure where to bat him in the lineup (although every Twins fan I knew had automatically penciled in Stewart - Castillo - Mauer - as our 1-2-3) and Gardenhire added that he would wait until he had placed a phone call to both Stewart and Castillo to see where they would feel most comfortable. I immediately felt ill and it had nothing to do with hypothermia - Stewart leads off and gets to 1st base - the hole on the right side is easier for Castillo to find because he can hit left handed it has nothing to do with gauging a players comfort level. I wish I had started the paper on fire right then and there not only for the immediate warmth but perhaps the sight of a car on the side of the road in flames would call attention to my plight. I knew guys like me running 5 minutes late in one degree weather were not going to stop for any reason but there might be that 1 Samaritan in the 1000 humans flying by who would get to their cubicle at work and place a phone call on my behalf (cop or cab) during that awkward moment between getting their computer to wake up and waiting for someone else in the office to make a pot of coffee. While I waited for the calvalry to arrive, I read news item #2 - The Twins haven't eliminated the possibility of bringing back Terry Mulholland. While the arms race escalates all around us we are interested in checking the expiration date on our 43 yr old biological weapon. The roadside barbeque was no longer a pipedream. What other choice did I have? Throw myself into the traffic you say? you make a strong point the speeding bullets passing me on the interstate had melted a narrow strip of pavement, it was clearly the warmest place to be, but like sheep being led to slaughter I stayed on the wrong path and chose instead to read item #3. I repeat taken directly from page 4-d of the 12/6/05 Pioneer Press - Ron Gardenhire dropped to his knees in a Chicago hotel for Ozzie Guillen. I looked at it again, it was no misprint. Apparently thats how Gardy gets down. The story even added that Gardenhire bowed to Guillen (no doubt while still on his knees) and that he did it in the middle of a busy hotel lobby. What could be more degrading to a Twins fan? (besides signing Frank Thomas). I never felt more alone in the baseball universe but my innate reptilian survival skills wouldn't let me give up. I grabbed my frozen cell phone and made one last attempt at a connection. Nothing ! I conjured up the remaining hot air from my body and blew on my phone in desperation. My last ditch effort no doubt looked ridiculous to anyone driving by seeing a man with a phone in his mouth but at least I wasn't in a Chicago hotel getting on my knees for the White Sox manager.

2005-10-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

Time to take out the trash so I took a trip to the dumpster but became confused over what to shove in the garbage and what to recycle. It was no mystery where to put the beer cans or how they became empty, but the stacks of old Pioneer Press/Star Tribunes seemed to qualify as both a renewable resource and rubbish. As I stood in the vacant alley seeking answers I stared blankly at a sports section from the two-bit St. Paul daily dated September 22nd. The Twins were on the eve of a 4 game series at Chicago with a chance to play spoiler and ruin the White Sox season (what better consolation prize is there ?) but according to the article manager Ron Gardenhire had already given up. His quote that day was "you've seen this isn't going to work, we have to have hitters, and hitting is not going to come from in here, we have to have new people come in." I need help is basically what he said and who could disagree with that. The Twins, working with a small market budget, have handed Gardenhire the best young pitching staff in baseball and a farm system that is the envy of every other franchise but our manager is looking for help. That would seem to be the job of the GM but I guess Gardy is seeking a new job title because the one that was initially given to him -"players manager"- no longer exists. That was the bill of goods we were sold when he took over, oh sure maybe he didn't have a head for strategy but he sure knew how to get along with the new breed of young players who felt uncomfortable around old school managers like Tom Kelly as though having the ability to make athletes "comfortable" somehow bodes well for team success. Tom Kelly, by the way, made a run at the title in 2001 by stressing defense, smart base running, and the minimization of mental errors without looking around for outside help because he knew how to play the hand that he was dealt. Well how did our "players manager" fare this year? Brad Radke, who doesn't even open his mouth to breathe, went to the manager and told him that on the days he pitches he wants a different DH in the lineup. Carlos Silva publicly called out the Twins offense. Justin Morneau has the look of a man who barely tolerates Gardenhire's very existence (particularly back in late July when we were still in the heat of the wild card race but our manager was batting Terry Tiffee cleanup while flirting with the idea of sending Morneau to AAA).
Kyle Lohse took a bat to the door of Gardenhire's office and tried to inflict so much damage he nearly broke his pitching hand. And what about JC Romero you ask ? Well JC shows more respect to his rented mule than his manager. Can anyone possibly believe these mutinous conditions would have existed on Tom Kelly's watch ? Should not every local rag that printed the words "players manager" be forced to issue a retraction ? F the retraction, I want a refund after last Thursday's game (Sept 29). I drove through 494 and 35W death defying traffic consisting of random minivans making sporadic unannounced lane changes so that I could get to the game to say goodbye to Joe Mays. I parked in a 1/8th full $5 lot lacking street light and security but making up for it with an abundance of broken glass and guys pissing on other peoples cars so that I could say goodbye to Joe Mays. Why ? Because Joe is a good man and as long as Gardenhire is the manager Joe Mays will be the answer to the trivia question "who was the starting pitcher the last time the Twins won an ALCS game ?" 2002 ALCS game 1 - Joe beat the Angels 2 -1 but even then my enthusiasm was tempered by the knowledge that Gardenhire had Rick Reed scheduled to pitch 2 of the next 5 games (Santana and Lohse had been sent to the bullpen for the entire post-season). The series never made it past game 5 so Joe's game 1 victory remains the high water mark for the 21st century Twins. So that is why I came to pay my respects to Joe because he will not be here in 2006. Joe was shaky early, the crowd got ugly, and the 9,000 in attendance were calling for his head. I wasn't happy about how the Joe Mays going away party was progressing but at least if he was taken off the mound I had good enough seats that I could cheer him in the midst of the boos and cat calls. Then the tide turned, Joe set down 11 in a row and a 5 - 0 deficit after 2 innings became a 6- 5 lead after 5 innings. I didn't see Joe again that night and perhaps will never see him again, he was removed from the game between innings. Even if Gardenhire had a logical reason for taking Joe out (his pitch count was 90), couldn't he at least have sent Joe out there to take his warm up tosses at the top of the 6th and then walk out and ask for the baseball ? The fans who were booing him would have no doubt given him a standing ovation based on the turn of events but Gardenhire doesn't think about things like that he is usually preoccupied with reaching into his tiny bag of tricks and on this night he pulled out AAA closer Travis Bowyer to start inning number 6. Bowyer spent the entire year pitching exclusively in the ninth inning but a 9 is just an upside down 6 to Gardenhire and his decision netted the KC Royals 5 runs on 5 hits (three of which were HR's) before Bowyer got three outs. The rookie pitcher was just another victim of our manager's penchant for inserting players into unfamiliar situations while the prevailing sense of doom I get whenever I am in the vicinity of Gardenhire becomes more familiar. KC 10 Twins 6...game over...season over....I walked out of the dome for the last time in 2005 and headed for the parking lot. A late September chill was in the air yet there was still a faint hint of summer stench coming off the Mississippi river which helped to cover the smell of the urine left in puddles by the tailgaters who had parked next to my car. You know what ? I couldn't blame those responsible because no major league venue has fewer outdoor porta-johns or indoor stalls than the Metrodome. It was either the parking lot or wait until they got inside the dome where you can stand 10 deep in a line for 10 minutes just to get the opportunity to relieve yourself in a trough. Clearly those perpetrators who pissed all over my car made better game time decisions than Ron Gardenhire.

2005-09-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

Kyle Lohse viciously smashed Ron Gardenhire's office door with a baseball bat. That's the good news. The bad news is that his assault with a deadly weapon happened three years to late. Lohse entered the 2002 playoffs with the 2nd most starts and 2nd most wins on the 2002 pitching staff so naturally Gardenhire sent him to the bullpen for the entire post-season. Lohse hasn't forgotten which arguably makes his recent attack premeditated. If a batter strikes out and walks into the clubhouse with his bat and bashes in a door you might be able to convince me that it was a spontaneous, heat of the moment, act. When Lohse - with a history of resenting Gardenhire - who doesn't even need a bat in an American League stadium - grabs a Louisville slugger after being removed from the game and walks directly to the manager's office and inflicts damage upon the door (why was the door closed anyway ? who's going to steal Gardenhire's bowling trophies?) its premeditated and thereby easier for a jury to convict him of a criminal offense because at the very least it was vandalism. Am I overreacting simply because Lohse got to live out my dream ? Probably, but the last time I checked the Twins don't own the Metrodome. The Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission operates the Humpty Dump for the government which paid for the stadium with tax dollars taken from you and me. For those of you remaining out there who still believe that justice is blind that would mean Kyle Lohse is no less guilty of a criminal offense than I would be if I took a bat to Gardenhire's door (what a Twins fantasy camp that would be for me). Want to meet Harmon Killebrew ? No thanks, just show me to the manager's office. Of course, this aint fantasy island - I would be hauled to the Hennepin County jail while Lohse was rewarded by Gardenhire with a start five days later even though there is clearly no place for him in the 2006 rotation. How fair is that ? A Twins fan has infinitely more reasons to harbor resentment and wish ill will upon the Metrodome than a Minnesota Twin. Players come and go and even when they are here they still get to play 81 games in places like Yankee Stadium, Fenway Park, and Camden Yards. Twins fans are seemingly forever destined to a purgatory of spending our summer nights indoors at a venue better suited for tractor pulls, although many fans of tractor pulls tell me that they would prefer savoring that experience in an open field on a frigid night rather than get in their cars and drive to the thriving east end of downtown Minneapolis where they pay to sit inside a structure in which they are outnumbered 2 to 1 by the Metrodome's permanent inhabitants - Mississippi river rats.

2005-09-02T00:44:00.000-07:00

Gardenhire was a bit blocked up so he paid a recent visit to Taco Bell. I am sad to report that he still couldnt manufacture any runs. And so as the Twins manager sits on the pot unable - unable to get his players to move runners over, unable to time a hit and run, unable to configure a batting order capable of scoring 1 run in Kansas City Wednesday - the light dims at the end of the dark tunnel for the 2005 Minnesota Twins. The season of sensational starting pitching has been squandered. Waste, waste, waste.....not the type of waste floating around New Orleans but the kind when your least effective pitcher in the starting rotation (aka K-Lohse) allows only 1 run in a must win game and you cant find a way to beat Denny Hocking's Kansas City Royals. When Denny played for the Twins he always found a way to pester and annoy the other team, it was almost as though the opposition wanted him to score so that they wouldnt have to talk to him while he was on base. The only facsimile of that type of ballplayer i've seen this season has been Luis Rodriguez but Gardenhire apparently isnt interested in the art of manufacturing runs he would rather play favorites and Rodriguez aint one of them. Rookie contributions dont impress Gardy and there is no more damning evidence of this than Scott Baker. I remember our west coast road trip months ago when Baker was called up to make a spot start against the ball-crushing California Angels and all Baker does is hold them to 1 earned run. Eric Milton threw a 10 a.m. no hitter against the Angels in 1999 (it was so early the metrodome rats were still eating breakfast) but since that memorable morning (an early start because the Humpy Dump had to be converted from a baseball diamond to a football field so that the Gophers could play a night game against Prarie View A & M) i dont recall a whole lot of Twins pitchers shutting down the Angel attack. After Baker's start he wasnt given another one before Gardy shrewdly put him on the Greyhound back to the Grapefruit league. Scott Baker returned weeks later and pitched lights out again but the pilot light flickering in Gardenhire's brain convinced him to send Baker immediately back to AAA. Yet somehow our manager finds a place on our staff for Terry Mulholland. I was waiting for a famous Gardentool quote like "this young man is simply to valuable to the Rochester Red Wings at this time to make a move to our starting rotation" similar to when the entire State of Minnesota was clamoring for Johan Santana to get some starts back in 2003 only to be repeatedly rebuffed by Gardenhire who, for those of you who care to remember, said Santana was to important to the bullpen to get put in the rotation.

2005-08-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

Rhetorical question, How did the Twins get back into contention? Starting pitching of course. Good pitching trumps good hitting so who could possibly derail our winning streak when our starting rotation was rolling ? One man - Ron Gardenhire. The Gardentool planted the seeds of defeat during friday nights 7 - 4 victory which gave the Twins six wins in a row. Carlos Silva, on a night his sinker was diving, was removed from the game after only 77 pitches. Can anyone please tell me why? Juan Rincon came in and not only nearly gave up a game tying 3 run home run to Adrian Beltre but ended up throwing 27 pitches to get through the 8th inning rendering him unavailable for saturday nights game which naturally went extra innings where the Twins lost. In the last week we have seen Romero used for 1 pitch and Rincon used for 2 pitches as our "manager" blows through his bullpen operating under the assumption that baseball is a 9 inning game and when he is taken by surprise by the concept of a 10th inning he is usually already reduced to his plan B - Terry Mulholland. In Gardy's defense, I'm not sure if an adequate amount of outside air is being pumped into the Metrodome so maybe not enough oxygen is reaching his brain. Could we hook up an oxygen mask in the corner of the dugout which Gardenhire could suck on during the game or would that violate MLB's rules against using performance enhancers? Bud Selig's hobbies dont include playing baseball, anyone who has seen him attempt to throw out the 1st pitch knows that, however he does enjoy studying his urine sample collection. The players have to surrender their 5th Amendment right not to incriminate themselves but managers are relatively free to improve their decision making skills by any means necessary. I'm for any substance, legal or illegal, which could tranquilize our manager into staying in the dugout longer because when it comes to removing our starting pitchers, Gardenhire clearly has a premature evacuation problem. And if the Gardenworm keeps taking his medicine someday he might even begin to comprehend managerial necessities like when to pitch out (lacking the instinct to guess right perhaps Gardy could steal a sign this century) or the hit and run which has been placed on the endangered species list under Gardenhire's reign of error.

2005-08-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

Stand on the Seattle shoreline and you can watch the sun set on the 2005 Twins season after another loss to the Mariners last night. As much as I would like to believe the horses in our rotation are capable of running off a 35-15 streak to end the schedule, it just aint gonna happen. Seems like yesterday the Mariners helped to fuel our 3 year playoff run giving us David Ortiz and Joe Mays for not much more than a bag of baseballs. I remember Mays out of the blue going 17 - 13 and was immediately rewarded with a 20 million dollar contract. I recall David Ortiz rising to a leadership position in the locker room and spearheading our offense into the playoffs. Then like a bad dream the combination of the organization's desire to get Matthew Lecroy more at bats and the local media slapping the "injury prone" label on Ortiz made people barely notice when he was allowed to slip away from the artificial gloom of the Metrodome and sail off into the real world of sunshine where he found international fame and postseason immortality - not only did most fans fail to notice his departure the few that did scolded me with the same refrain "Ortiz sucked when he was with us" - .... really ? who hit cleanup for the Twins during their ALCS season of 2002 ? David Ortiz hit 20 HR's and drove in 75 runs in 2002 while appearing in only 125 games. Allow me to beat a dead horse, Joe Mays was given 20 million dollars but 1 year later the front office having discussed the matter with manager Gardenhire determined Ortiz wasn't worth the 2 million he was scheduled to make in arbitration. So now I am left to ponder when the Twins will get another shot at the playoffs, whether we didnt piss away the 3 year window of opportunity that we had (2002-2004 we only needed to play .500 ball to win the A.L. Central...those days are over), and what exactly has Seattle done for us lately? Ah Yes, Bret Boone. The Twins scooped him and his .200 average off the Safeco Field grass and deposited him into our plastic metrodome baggie. Always the master of putting together a lineup card, Ron Gardenhire saw to it that in Boone's 1st appearance as a Twin he batted 3rd in the order. But enough about Boone's memorable contribution to the 2005 season, I cant help but reminisce over the Seattle Mariners 2004 donation to our team... catcher/old man Pat Borders (claimed August 31st just in time for Gardenhire to put him on our playoff roster). For those of you who care to remember, catcher Joe Mauer wrecks his knee early in the season - yet another injury victim of Hubert H. Humphrey and his inflatable Humpty Dump/professional baseball stadium. Henry Blanco steps up and becomes our brick wall, arguably our best defensive player, and far more important to our success than Ron Gardenhire (ask any Twins pitcher if you dont believe me). Flashback to the 2004 playoff series against the Yankees ....NY is up 2 games to 1 but trailing by a run in game 4 when Henry Blanco hits a homerun to jump start a 3 run inning and the Twins take a 5-1 lead into the 8th inning. By this time Gardenhire was dipping into the bullpen for the 3rd time having first removed Santana due to pitch count concerns (yes Gardy was counting pitches in an elimination game) and the Yankees took advantage of our manager's incontinence tying the game at 5 in the top of the 8th and here comes the Twins to bat in the bottom of the inning. Guzman grounds out, Rivas pops up, and to the plate walks Blanco (2 for 3 with a HR). Two outs - no one on base - and the very real potential that this game could go countless extra innings. Did it occur to our manager that we might need to keep our only catcher in the game? Gardenhire, clearly confused, pinch hits for Blanco removing him from the lineup so that Pat Borders can take center stage in our last playoff game to date. Keep in mind Borders had been with the team long enough to amass 42 at bats. A passed ball by Borders in the top of the 9th moves runners to 2nd and 3rd but the Twins get out of the inning. 10 minutes later in the top of the 11th A-Rod hits a 1 out double. Do you think Joe Torre might want to get that potential winning run to 3rd base with only 1 out ? Henry Blanco had the respect of base stealers and opposing managers, but who respects 59 year old catcher Pat Borders ? In case you already blocked out the memory, A-Rod steals 3rd base against Gardenhire's hand selected extra inning battery of Kyle Lohse and Pat Borders. Then Borders proceeds to drop the soap on a slippery Lohse lowball and as the ball is rolling around behind home plate A-Rod trots home to score the series winning run. Ok, so it was ruled a wild pitch but those of us who were able to watch the end of that game can be our own official scorekeeper and we know it was another passed ball by Borders and yet another priceless post season memory courtesy of Ron Gardenhire.

2005-08-01T00:41:00.000-07:00

Terry Tiffee hits 4th in the batting order and the Red Sox cleanup. In a game the Twins had to win to stay viable in the race for the last playoff spot, Ron Gardenhire took a .200 hitter with 3 career major league home runs and roughly 100 career major league at-bats and had him hit cleanup. As fate would have it, Tiffee twice came to the plate with the bases loaded and naturally he was unable to keep Gardenhire from looking foolish (this same clown dropped Stewart from the leadoff spot and watched our new #1 hitters go a combined 0 for 32 before realizing he made a mistake). The worst part of his decision to bat Tiffee 4th is that Joe Mauer certainly aint gonna see a whole lot of good pitches batting 3rd so Gardy not only takes one of our least feared hitters and bats him cleanup but he takes the bat out of the hands of our best hitter. To add insult to injury Gardenhire said to the Star Trib after the game "We have the right guys up there.....when are we going to drive in a run?" (as always quick to blame the players never himself or his coaches...i.e. Gardenhire laughing in the dugout in New York Wednesday after a terrible decision by Ullger to send Boone...and Newman's equally poor decision Sunday to hold up our fastest runner Nick Punto who represented the go ahead run). I guess coaching mistakes amuse Gardy and he's deadly serious when players mess up (assuming the failure to move runners over is the fault of the player). Manufacturing runs has been in steady decline since "players manager"- "good guy" Gardy took over for that unfriendly old stickler Tom Kelly who wasted time schooling the players on the fundamentals of situational hitting. Under Gardy's leadership the players can now feel comfortable around their manager. So what if they can only turn 10 hits and 5 walks into 1 run.

2005-07-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

Al Leiter 115 Johan Santana 94 (pitch count 7/27/05)...thats no misprint, 40 year old left handed zombie Al Leiter was allowed by the Twins offense to stagger around blindly and get off 115 pitches. Santana had thrown 94 pitches through 7 shutout innings but Ron Gardenhire had seen enough. So accustomed to winning games in Yankee Stadium he had become, that even on a 90 degree July night in the Bronx he felt safe. It was 6-0 Twins and Gardy only needed to get 6 more outs against the 2 rich 2 B convicted of murderers row. So he told Santana to stay on the bench denying every pitchers dream of throwing a shut out against the Evil Empire at Yankee Stadium. Exit dream...Enter Nightmare...Enter Bullpen.... Gardenhire lost his grip on the game faster than the tying run came to the plate. The Twins came within a fraction of witnessing (not Gardy he couldnt watch) a game tying home run by Bernie Williams. Bernie was batting left handed of course in a left handed hitters ballpark while our left handed Cy Young award winner was sitting in the corner of the dugout. Santana's night was finished because he threw 94 pitches and Gardenhire needed to call on him to pitch again in 5 or 6 more days.....

2005-07-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

The Party Is Over ! After a 1 game suspension, Ron Gardenhire returned to the Twins and immediately put his stamp back on our team by reminding us that he still believes Matthew LeCroy and Terry Mulholland should have prominent roles on this team by once again inserting Lecroy into the middle of our batting order and allowing Mulholland to pitch in key situations. Let me quickly sum up Gardenhire's pitching logic....Joe Mays is taken out on friday night at Detroit down 8 - 3 and in comes Mulholland to mop up....1 inning later the Twins rally to make it a 8 - 6....Game On right ?...Here comes Crain or Romero right ? Wrong ! Gardenhire lets Mulholland throw another inning of batting practice until its 12 - 6 then decides to bring Jesse Crain into the game that is now out of reach. Am I missing something here? Is Gardy missing something ? (like a chromosome).......Meanwhile, Lecroy's at-bats come at the expense of a slumping Lew Ford. Gardy lets Hunter and Jones dig themselves out of protracted slumps but wont allow Lew the same consideration....Uh Oh !....another flashback coming!....2004 post season playoffs...Twins are up 1 game to zero at Yankee Stadium...Lew Ford our 2004 catalyst...our ignitor...our spark plug...has some bad at-bats in our game 1 victory so what does Gardy do ? He has one of his infamous "hunches" and benches Lew Ford for game 2 and inserts Jason Kubel who to this date has 60 career major league at-bats. Gardenhire rolls snake eyes and Kubel is o-for as he walks to the plate in the 8th inning of a tie game to face Mariano Rivera with what would have been the winning run (the yankees wont score again til the 12th inning) on 3rd base and only 1 out. Everyone, and i mean everyone in Twins Territory waited for Kubel to be called back to the dugout ! we have a chance to go up 2 games to zero in a 5 game series....its yankee stadium...Rivera is on the mound...batting is a kid with 60 major league at-bats (yes i had to bring that up again!)....The rest is history, Kubel strikes out on 3 pitches, the second out is made and that winning run stays at 3rd base allowing the yankees to go on to win in extra innings and steal the series back from the Twins. Once again the playoff tide had turned courtesy of the Gardenworm.

2005-07-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

I'll be damned....The Twins finally bust loose with the offense yall have been expecting all year naturally Ron Gardenhire was nowhere near the dugout on this momentous occasion (serving a 1 game suspension)....can we banish Gardenhire to the press box for the rest of the season if for no other reason than to prevent him from batting Lecroy 4th or even worse playing him at 1st base....We wont see Lecroy at 1st ever again you say? Oh yeah? rumors are circulating that he might send Justin Morneau down - We are soon heading to Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park, both built for left handed power hitters and Gardy is seriously considering getting rid of our only legitimate left handed bomber (incidentally one of my alltime favorite Gardenhire memories occured during Morneau's first season in the bigs when he damaged the Miller Park scoreboard with a vicious homerun and Gardy sent him back to the minors a few days later apparently not interested in helping out a franchise which hasnt had a 30 homer guy for almost 2 decades) please tell me he's just trying to light a fire under Morneau but the last time he pissed away a left handed power source it was someone named David Ortiz and he rationalized it by saying he had to get this kid Lecroy some at-bats.....Ok enough with the Matt Lecroy bashing (after all he single handedly buried the myth that white guys couldnt dance...dont believe me ? check out the Twins locker room pennant clinching celebrations 2002-2004) because while we are busy talking about how Yankee Stadium is built for lefties it reminds me of how Gardy buzz killed the 2003 post season against the bronx bombers and their arsenal of left handed hitters. Gardenhire, still feeling guilty about leaving Kyle Lohse out of the 2002 post season rotation(although he didnt see any problem with scheduling Rick Reed to pitch game 2 and a potential game 6 against the Angels in the ALCS) , commits himself to a 3 man rotation versus the Yankees of Radke (R) Santana (L) and Lohse (R) while leaving Kenny Rogers(L) and Eric Milton(L) on the bench....Good Lord did the man soak up anything from sitting next to Tom Kelly for a decade? T.K. set up opposing managers like a chess master while Gardenhire was apparently busy in the corner of the dugout playing with his pawn !

2005-07-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

I had a terrible dream last night that Gardenhire had gotten so disoriented by our tailspin that he accidently penciled in Matthew LeCroy to bat cleanup......Good Lord that was no dream! How many of us would have Lecroy batting 4th on our softball team? the answer - none - why? because pitchers usually hit in softball and since the man brings no defensive ability to the table(need proof? the Twins thought Corky Miller was a better catcher) he would only be a situational pinch hitter off the bench. Just like i was under the impression that when old man Mulholland made the team he had one role - to be an inning eater during a blow out. Hang on, I just had yet another flashback....June 10th 2005 - after rolling over an empty bottle of bourbon i wake up around midnight and the Twins interleague game from Dodger stadium is on the radio and i hear Mulholland's name and drift comfortably back to sleep assured that the game is out of reach one way or the other. The sobering box score in the next day's St. Paul Daily Disappointment tells me that he started the bottom of the ninth inning in a tie game broken seconds later when a Mulholland soft toss was pulverized into the bleachers injurying several Dodger fans surprisingly still attending the game.

2005-07-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

Desperation has set in.....how desperate ? Gardy has decided to start playing his "hunches" again. Rearranging his lineup on a daily basis spittin seeds at the dugout wall in a feeble effort to see what sticks as we sink closer to .500. Gardy and his "hunches"! Flashback postseason 2002 - Bobby Kielty and Dustan Mohr both solid defensively and who have platooned the entire season in right field are benched in favor of rookie infielder Michael Cuddyer (a shortstop and 3rd baseman his entire life until 2002) Reminder - the Twins did not get to the playoffs with great pitching or offense, they did it with defense. Game 2 ALCS - "MLB pitcher" Rick Reed (does a scab receive union benefits once retired?) is serving up his usual 5 + innings of batting practice and cant get the help he so sorely needs when our rookie infielder playing right hesitates on a flyball (not that Cuddyer can be blamed for the Metrodome's dim backdrop and filthy white roof which can temporarily paralyze anyone but the fact is Kielty and Mohr had dealt with it all season until Gardenhire decided his right fielder of the future needed to be baptized in October rather than the following April) letting it drop in front of him allowing the Angels to score critical runs helping them to tie the series and steal home field advantage from the Twins. Meanwhile Bobby Kielty sits on the bench reminiscing about his back to back game winning homeruns against the blacksox on the eve of the postseason while Dustan Mohr ponders all his extra base robbing sliding catches and both come to the same conclusion that Tom Kelly's decision to retire will haunt this franchise when it looks back on what it could have had!