Day 1 of 200 in this Minnesota winter colder with the realization that Ron Gardenhire now owns the Twins managerial job for as long as he wants due to his critically acclaimed performance skippering the team through another run at the postseason -that's right turn a 162 game schedule featuring 72 games against KC, Cleveland, Chicago, and Detroit into 86 wins and you too can earn manager of the year consideration and be mentioned in the same breath as Billy Martin, Gene Mauch, and Tom Kelly. Give him the lifetime contract right now because with Target Field opening in 6 months if your not going to change regimes this off-season in all probability you never will until perhaps a decade from now by which time Gardy and the incinerator adjacent to the new ballpark will have rendered Twins territory uninhabitable just another natural disaster awaiting us while in the present i live in the past stuck in August of '09 when seemingly every day found the Twins 5 games back yet sadly we were being mismanaged by a moron already looking ahead to the 2010 season. It wasn't just Gardenhire even most Twins fans i knew had also given up (i repeat had given up in August 5 games back with an unbalanced schedule laying helplessly before them) and Gardy lent credence to their demeaning surrender giving several media interviews about the poor hand he was dealt and what he needed to succeed in 2010. It was his way of planting an unconscious seed in the listener's head that his tenure should be considered as a given and he fertilized that seed whenever things looked bleakest particularly post August 16th after the Twins went 2 - 4 on a home stand against the Royals and Indians dropping them 5 games below .500 (yet just 6 out of 1st place) prompting the local media to run a "Is it time to fire Ron Gardenhire?" poll and causing Gardy to go into spin mode blaming the front office for not supplying him with enough arms (i can think of 20 teams that would trade pitching staffs with us) going so far as to tell the Star Tribune that during the upcoming off-season management "cant screw around" when it comes to bullpen acquisitions then the next day pleading with the Pioneer Press to sympathize with the unfortunate position the Twins had placed him in by giving him 4 talented outfielders to choose from (Span, Cuddyer, Young, Gomez) telling beat writers "Its not a good situation I didn't like it from the get go"- I imagine that GM's in Pittsburgh, Washington DC and other assorted wastelands were mumbling under their breath for Gardy to F off a feeling i know all to well - a feeling that no doubt will serve as an extra blanket for me as I begin month 1 of 6 in this Minnesota winter made colder when Gardy's chatter proved meaningless after Morneau's injury moved Cuddyer to first base yet didn't change a thing in the outfield if u ask Carlos Gomez. And so i suspect anything Ron Gardenhire told me during August of '09 was unadulterated by-product manufactured by a manager not only motivated by fear but indignant that he would be assigned any responsibility for his team's sub .500 performance and the deeper the team sank in late August the further Gardy shrank into the corner of the dugout failing to give off even a hint of confidence just a mass of nervous energy overfed to us by Fox Sports Net's gardy-cam which provides his reaction to every F'n pitch leaving many viewers jittery and disoriented to the point that they actually accepted Gardenhire's premise that the last month of the season was a good time to lay the blame for 2009 at the feet of others (i.e. the GM, the scouts, the players, umpires with "smart ass mouths", etc.) a fact easily forgotten now that the Twins are heading toward the postseason a reversal of fortune that now sees Gardy bright eyed and bushy tailed even venturing out of his hole long enough to sniff at the salivating lapdogs who will write about his candidacy for manager of the year lapdogs who need to be hit over the head with a rolled up unbalanced schedule then forced to stick their nose in it.

Nero fiddled while Rome burned no longer do i wonder why. What more have I done as Twins manager Ron Gardenhire sets a match to the 2009 season other than sit idly by watching it all go up in smoke - Poof there goes another MVP performance from Justin Morneau - another batting title and possible MVP for Joe Mauer - a breakthrough year for Jason Kubel like Michael Cuddyer swinging a 30 HR 90 RBI bat - 4 arms in the bullpen with an ERA under 3 including a lights out closer and dont forget the young up and coming talent in the outfield and starting rotation that other organizations drool over u can drool all u want you'll never need a bib bigger than Gardenhire's who spends post-game press conferences not apologizing for parlaying the aforementioned talent into a 48 - 50 team or expressing regret for blowing a ten run lead vs the A's then surrendering a 9 run inning vs the California Angels in the same week (both franchise records courtesy of Gardy's premature evacuation problem a decade long affliction which causes him to remove the starting pitcher upon first impulse) rather our manager prefers to use the camera time to publicly cry for a new 2nd baseman apparently unaware the GM has an office with a door that both opens and closes. The blown ten run lead at Oakland (7/20/09) was particularly painful in and of itself but Gardenhire poured gasoline onto my wounded body when he told the Associated Press the game illustrated the need for expanded instant replay because it ended with a close play at home plate - quote Gardy "I've said all along I want a red flag"..."football has a red flag why cant we?"..."I'd keep it in my sock like they do"..."I could have thrown it out there and then they could have run and checked replay. It would have been perfect."(AP 7/22/09) - funny his idea of perfection would be my own private hell but i digress because the point is he used the debacle not to self-examine his decision making but to suggest fundamental changes to the foundation of baseball. The entire F'n game hinges on umpire discretion beginning with the strike zone should we implement a machine that beeps once for a strike twice for a ball ? Perhaps I'm overreacting because after all Gardenhire has said stupider things during post-game media sessions none quite as memorable as his comments 5/18/09 after a rare 4 game sweep in New York left him 3 - 23 at Yankee Stadium (3 and 23 for his career in the Bronx am I the only person outside of Boston who finds this fact alone to be grounds for immediate termination) when asked about the albatross Gardy (as reported by Twins beat writer Joe Christensen) said "I dont think we pay alot of attention to it. Its just numbers. It doesnt get in my head. I dont give a rip" (Star Tribune 5/19/09). Ok so our manager is either a complete moron or he's lying to us i tend to believe the former based on additional statements that same night "We didnt play bad baseball here. We got beat but we didnt play bad baseball here. We played pretty damn good baseball here." (espn.com 5/19/09). Ah yes classic Gardenhire playing the familiar role of Miss Congeniality with his oh those scrappy Twins battling their tails off wasnt it cute how they kept all 4 games of the series close. We didnt play bad baseball ? Minnesota hitters went 4 for 38 with runners in scoring position but that matters not to Gardy a dropout in Tom Kelly's school of situational hitting who tends to deflect any criticism by pointing out the superiority of the team that just bashed his brains in (incidentally the rancid Washington Nationals went to Yankee Stadium with a 16 - 45 record and took 2 of 3). In the case of Gardenhire vs New York its always something like - thats a pretty darn good team over there in the other locker room they beat us but at least we didnt beat ourselves - of course not we do things the Twins way we never run the bases poorly or fail to hit the cutoff man. This myth that we do all the little things right has mushroomed into a giant flaming bag of dogshit that seems incapable of being extinguished as long as Ron Gardenhire is on the job and lets face reality he probably isn't going anywhere considering the man remains beloved while managing a team consisting of multiple future hall of famers to a .500 record (it could be far worse he owes a serious debt of gratitude to the unbalanced schedule) - Gardy is overweight, bald, fishes, bowls, and bbq's where is the hatred going to come from. Do I expect talent to overcome incompetence and see the Twins playing post season ball in the very near future? of course i do - maybe this year -even at 48 and 50 we're still the team that the others in the A.L. Central fear but as for me i live in a different state of fear sensing that any day now i will wake up in darkness dripping with sweat my heart pounding as the doorbell rings in the middle of the night realizing that the gigantic flaming bag of dogshit has made its way to my front porch and by now its far to late to control the blaze leaving me to smolder in the ashes screaming for the head of the arsonist.

Occasionally tired of butchering one another Union & Confederate soldiers would kill time away from the battlefield with countless innings of baseball cultivating a national past time spanning over 150 years until that common ground was laid to waste by farm animals grazing dangerously close to Abner Doubleday's grave. Abner not only shaped America's game he went to bat for the Union Army distinguishing himself at the Battle of Gettysburg while the offending animals made a name for themselves soiling the founding father's plot in the guise of player, owner, and commissioner. Unsatisfied with the life of a ballplayer, resentful of others having $200 million in the bank while being forced to live on half that, and consumed by feelings of inadequacy due to borderline hall of fame talent the choice became simple - inject the swine with human growth hormone. Did your daddy only give you co-ownership of the New York Yankees? Displeased your billion dollar toy didn't come fully loaded with a functioning farm? Are you unable to grow crops of your own yet still shameless enough to monopolize the trough during harvest? well by all means procure a team of all-stars, roll around in your own filth for a couple of decades, then decry the system as being unfair when your Yankees fail to make the playoffs for the first time in 14 years. Rising above the squalor was to be the office of the commissioner a position created solely to protect the game slowly devolved into just another tax collector a revenue chasing whore operating upon an unproven theory that increased run production leads to larger pots of gold giving us juiced baseballs, lower pitching mounds, designated hitters, microscopic strike zones & little league dimensions the latter of which retains at least one redeeming quality for it is far easier to corral pigs on a smaller field.

Oh I see - because the media picked the Twins to finish 3rd or 4th in the A.L. Central I'm supposed to be happy about the '08 season. How could anyone in their right mind enjoy 2008? The national media televises roughly one Twins game per year & calls our all-star first baseman Jason rendering their preseason predictions meaningless. Human beings cant figure out four way stop signs what makes you think they can foretell the future. Just examine history if you want clues regarding whats going to happen. The Twins have been legitimate contenders for the division title every year since 2001 - why would 2008 be any different? Take a look in our dugout - MVP's, batting titles, and baseball's best closer ('08 ERA's - Nathan 1.33 Rivera 1.40 K-Rod 2.24) so can we please stop playing the underdog card? I prefer to scan my memory banks for factual reasons which caused the Twins to miss out on October baseball (arguably game 163 at Chicago qualifies as postseason play dropping Ron Gardenhire's playoff record to 6 - 16). Before we get to the facts I recall a sense of impending doom on the eve of opening day when the March 28th Wall Street Journal utilized flawed methodology to state on page W1 that Gardenhire was baseball's best manager shaking me up so badly I immediately withdrew from the futures market, buried commodities in my backyard and bought a gun. Busy digging holes I barely took notice of Gardy's springtime romance with Brian Bass inserting him repeatedly into late innings of close games costing us dearly in April and May. An offensive spring turned to stagnant summer until Alexi Casilla escaped from Gardenhire's depth chart finally given a chance to play and deliver September's biggest hit but only after injuries to Tolbert, Everett, and Punto forced Gardy to go to Casilla albeit 3 months late. Denard Span almost didnt arrive at all - cut by the manager at the end of spring training when Gardenhire decided to go North with 5 outfielders not named Denard Span. Hidden at AAA Span was just about to commit to playing for the U.S. Olympic team which would have kept our ignitor off the field until September when once again an injury came to the aid of Gardy because Cuddyer's well timed trip to the DL sent Span to Minneapolis instead of Beijing. 1 through 4 in the batting order now secure the Twins set sail loaded with so much young talent I began to pity the White Sox who were beginning to show their age fading badly impotent with the bat and scored on at will. It was all there for the taking in late August when suddenly the Twins fled the city overrun by republican delegates attempting to rally conservatives in Minnesota of all places & upon Gardenhire's post-convention return he dropped anchor setting the tone for the stretch run telling reporters "I'm honestly tired, mentally drained" (pioneer press 9/8/08). Mentally drained 1 game out of first place? Apparently so and the team took on the personality of its manager going 11 -15 in September by far their worst month giving the division title to a broken down Chicago team which crawled across the finish line winning one more game than the Twins. One game? Shit we had 20 games compromised by a manager sticking with his Jugs machine Livan Hernandez serving up batting practice while Francisco Liriano & his agent were heating up down on the farm - who can forget Gardenhire angrily criticizing the talking heads on ESPN for second guessing his commitment to Jugs. Sadly in the land of 10,000 lakes to many suckers swim aimlessly allowing those same talking heads to convince them that the Twins were destined for a poor season and so while the 2008 nightmare continues to haunt me others sleep peacefully reassured their team surpassed national expectations.

A split second after hearing a loud sickening ping my skull is smashed by a baseball driven by an aluminum bat and dying on the dirty mound I curse the periodic table & the killers that lurk there. Aluminum ? Couldn't I have been slaughtered for gold or silver like so many others ? The Reaper enters the field of play answering no questions only eyeing the on-deck circle when suddenly I woke up in a cold sweat to the sound of another horrible ping realizing it was just a nightmare produced from falling asleep while watching the College World Series. Cowhide wasn't meant to be struck by anything not fashioned from an ash tree then again the American campus was never intended to destroy free speech but here we are living in such a world where impotent University Presidents face to face with fascism fail to sport wood preferring to receive it in the form of cash from bowl committees forever preventing a football playoff and contracts with aluminum suppliers denying baseball addicts the sweet crack of the bat.

The man who presided over a World Series cancellation accomplishing what W.W. I, W.W. II, & W.W. Pi couldn't - The man who implemented the unbalanced schedule allowing Yankees & Red Sox to do what they do best - play with each other - a sordid affair which spirals into a three-way with ESPN lasting four hours a night as both teams take close pitches and are inexplicably rewarded for it - The man who targeted the 2001 Twins for contraction a 85 win team fresh off pennant contention the franchise & its prized farm system to be carved up and auctioned off to the usual suspects - The man who took the quick buck provided by interleague play turning his back on a century of tradition tarnishing any mystique held by the All-Star Game and World Series - And just today that man Commissioner Selig tossed another history book on the fire ushering in the instant replay era which I believe begins with experimentation on some remote island before Bud inevitably brings it ashore releasing his newest mutation into an unsuspecting public to busy circling the drain to notice.

That bittersweet light at the end of the tunnel must be April. Play ball Pay taxes - baseball existed decades before the Constitution was altered in 1913 introducing Americans to the income tax so I suspect the first time citizens were told "you have until April 15th to come up with the money or else" preoccupation with the beginning of the season accompanied by the springtime imperative to plant seeds distracted them from questioning a yearly payoff to the same bully who needs daily bread. Last years tax deadline fell on a sunday i know this because in a panic, not realizing we had been graciously granted a 24 hour extension to postmark the payment, i rushed downtown and crossed paths near the mailbox with Twins manager Ron Gardenhire who I hadnt seen since the time he cut in line in front of me at the bank. I ended up following (not stalking) him to the construction site of the future ballpark where the team was holding an unveiling ceremony featuring the design specifications and despite the fact that it wont be open for business until 2010 Gardenhire informed reporters he was especially pleased with the location of the manager's office (see 4/13/07 star tribune). Obviously impressed with his job performance (6-15 postseason) Gardy is oblivious to a scenario where he isnt managing the Twins and that thought haunted me on what should have been a celebratory occasion. Attempting to drive away the depression I delved deeper into the stadium blueprints and found my silver lining - No Retractable Roof ! - How many of us fleeing the H.H.H. Metrodome in search of outdoor baseball roadtripped to Miller Park only to find the roof on because of a hint of rain or chilly conditions. Even when the retractable slides off it casts a shadow over most of the seats leaving suckers in the shade pondering the tax increase which made it possible to block out the sun 81 times per year rather than suffer 1 or 2 weather related cancellations. It never did rain during my last stay in Milwaukee yet 2 of 3 games were played with the lid down and sadly I was in the minority registering my disgust convincing me that the national past time is sitting indoors. Cold ? Windy ? Chance of snow ? Come 2010 I'll be scooping up tickets below face value while u secretly wish to be protected from the world by Hubert H. Humphrey in his temperature controlled mausoleum. How dare the sky involve itself in major league baseball doesnt it realize 21st century fans are entitled to a risk free experience sheltered from both ominous clouds and the sun's deadly rays.