A split second after hearing a loud sickening ping my skull is smashed by a baseball driven by an aluminum bat and dying on the dirty mound I curse the periodic table & the killers that lurk there. Aluminum ? Couldn't I have been slaughtered for gold or silver like so many others ? The Grim Reaper enters the field of play answering no questions only eyeing the on-deck circle when suddenly I woke up in a cold sweat to the sound of another horrible ping realizing it was just a nightmare produced from falling asleep while watching the College World Series. Cowhide wasn't meant to be struck by anything not fashioned from an ash tree then again the American campus was never intended to kill free speech but here we are living in such a world where University Presidents no longer dream of getting wood preferring to receive it in the form of cash from bowl committees forever preventing a football playoff and contracts from aluminum suppliers forever preventing the sweet crack of the baseball bat.

The man who presided over a World Series cancellation accomplishing what W.W. I, W.W. II, & W.W. Pi couldn't - The man who implemented the unbalanced schedule allowing Yankees & Red Sox to do what they do best - play with each other - usually four hours a night taking close pitches and being rewarded for it - The man who targeted the 2001 Twins for contraction a 85 win team fresh off pennant contention the franchise & its prized farm system to be carved up and auctioned off to the usual suspects - The man who took the quick buck provided by interleague play turning his back on a century of tradition tarnishing any mystique held by the All-Star Game and World Series - And just today that man Commissioner Selig tossed another history book on the fire ushering in the instant replay era which I believe begins with experimentation on some remote island before Bud inevitably brings it ashore releasing his newest mutation into an unsuspecting public to busy circling the drain to notice.

That bittersweet light at the end of the tunnel must be April. Play ball Pay taxes - baseball existed decades before the Constitution was altered in 1913 introducing Americans to the income tax so I suspect the first time citizens were told "you have until April 15th to come up with the money or else" preoccupation with the beginning of the season accompanied by the springtime imperative to plant seeds distracted them from questioning a yearly payoff to the same bully who needs daily bread. Last years tax deadline fell on a sunday i know this because in a panic, not realizing we had been graciously granted a 24 hour extension to postmark the payment, i rushed downtown and crossed paths near the mailbox with Twins manager Ron Gardenhire who I hadnt seen since the time he cut in line in front of me at the bank. I ended up following (not stalking) him to the construction site of the future ballpark where the team was holding an unveiling ceremony featuring the design specifications and despite the fact that it wont be open for business until 2010 Gardenhire informed reporters he was especially pleased with the location of the manager's office (see 4/13/07 star tribune). Obviously impressed with his job performance (6-15 postseason) Gardy is oblivious to a scenario where he isnt managing the Twins and that thought haunted me on what should have been a celebratory occasion. Attempting to drive away the depression I delved deeper into the stadium blueprints and found my pot of gold - No Retractable Roof ! - How many of us fleeing the H.H.H. Metrodome in search of outdoor baseball roadtripped to Miller Park only to find the roof on because of a hint of rain or chilly conditions. Even when the retractable slides off it casts a shadow over most of the seats leaving suckers in the shade pondering the tax increase which made it possible to block out the sun 81 times per year rather than suffer 1 or 2 weather related cancellations. It never did rain during my last stay in Milwaukee yet 2 of 3 games were played with the lid down and sadly I was in the minority registering my disgust convincing me that the national past time is sitting indoors. Cold ? Windy ? Chance of snow ? Come 2010 I'll be scooping up tickets below face value while u secretly wish to be protected from the world by Hubert H. Humphrey in his temperature controlled mausoleum. How dare the sky involve itself in major league baseball doesnt it realize 21st century fans are entitled to a risk free experience sheltered from both ominous clouds and the sun's deadly rays.

Ron Gardenhire cant stop polishing his bowling ball and I fear he may need an intervention. Gardy's employer, the MLB franchise from Minnesota, spent the weekend hosting 30,000 fans at Twins Fest 2008 showcasing the future stadium and selling season tickets. 32 players from the 40 man roster were also in attendance signing autographs and more importantly Morneau & Cuddyer punctuated the party signing contract extensions. Noticeably absent from the team event scheduled months ago was manager Gardenhire who had a rare chance to compete in a bowling tournament. While he was blowing on his hand I was driving St. Paul to Minneapolis dodging murderous minivans & massive potholes cheating death and destruction hoping to materialize at the Metrodome. Nearing my final exit I surveyed an escape from the interstate but signaling a lane change being a remnant of the 20th century I instead changed signals on the A.M. dial leaving 1500 (the radio home of the Twins broadcasting live from the dome) and tuned in 830 (former home of the Twins & current ratings rival) just in time to hear Ron Gardenhire call in & report that he had no expectations of winning the bowling tournament but would be excited to finish in the top 30. Hell Gardy think top ten you might qualify for nationals or even end up on the tour hitting the road never coming back. Far away from Minnesota you could manage slow pitch softball teams & solve crimes in your spare time - you'll be much happier and so will I.

Who bought a used car from Bud Selig ? I hold u personally responsible for his improbable evolution from dealer to owner to commissioner. Who thought he would stand up and walk upright let alone rise to power within the cartel which eliminated the Independent Office of the Commissioner of Baseball. I lived in Wisconsin & Bud never sold me a car - thats how i sleep at night - but I'm guilty of turning a blind eye as he handed the keys to the Milwaukee franchise to his daughter and assumed the position. Accountable to no one Selig revealed himself to be anything but the harmless court jester who delivered the most comical ceremonial first pitch of all time (someone please save that footage) instead clown turned king terrorizing the countryside threatening eviction, relocation, & contraction simultaneously playing the wild card on our ass subjecting us to the eternal northeast wet dream of a Yankee-Red Sox ALCS as well as pushing the World Series into November. Game 7 of this years October Classic would have been played 11/01/2007 lest Selig & his pirate crew lose a piece of gold scheduling doubleheaders during long hot summer days. No, Bud prefers to freeze & on one fateful date in baseball history he froze for the ages allowing an all-star game to end in a tie then compounded his trivial mental error with a complete disfigurement of the game and its history declaring future all-star exhibitions (in which participation is determined by internet voters to frightened to attend games) decide home field advantage in the World Series. Not satisfied rewriting domestic policy Bud went abroad and invaded Montreal dragging Expo carcass across the border rewarding his generals with estates in the District of Columbia, Boston, & Florida then landed on the Caribbean shores forcing what remained of the Montreal franchise to toil in the fields of Puerto Rico while Bud basked on the beach burying his head in the sand during the clubhouse-turned-steroid den era abdicating responsibility while the game was soiled with a permanent asterisk because he believed homers helped ratings increasing ad revenue which normal people dont give a shit about but apparently a billionaire owner/commissioner can still get excited over one extra zero on the deposit slip.

Why wait until October to judge the 2007 season? 3 Twins should snag gold gloves - I see MVP's and batting titles past, present & future - and oh by the way Cy Youngs and potential Cy Youngs occupy our rotation and bullpen. What we don't have is a well-managed team. Well-managed teams move runners over, run the bases at a post-little league level, execute more than one successful hit & run per month, drop down decent bunts, and at the very least find a way to manufacture one run per game. The 2007 Twins threaten the franchise record for being shut out. It gets worse - we play indoor baseball with a white roof. Its late July and the first place Tigers arrive in downtown Minneapolis. Outside the metrodome its hot hazy and 80. Inside Hubert H. Humphrey pumps you full of lung friendly air conditioning & in a similar violation of the Clean Indoor Air Act Jim Leyland chainsmokes Ron Gardenhire defying the statewide casino exempt smoking ban outmaneuvering the Gardentool in a series of 1 run games. Searching for a silver lining? Keep looking - TODD JONES saved all 3 games of a Tiger sweep & Gary Sheffield was HBP < 1 time.

Spare me your lectures on the Yankees and their economic advantage over the Twins - The advantage lies in the dugout. For those of you who continue to ignore the mental state of Ron Gardenhire consider the following : During Tom Kelly's last 3 seasons as manager (1999-2001) the Twins averaged around 70 wins per season but had a 7 - 6 record at Yankee Stadium beating Yankee teams that will win the World Series. 2002 - Gardenhire is hired by default. Right about this time the Yankees stop winning championships en route to the nursing home while our developing Twins start stockpiling division titles. Advantage Twins right? Wrong - as in 3 - 16 wrong, that being Gardenhire's up to date regular season record at Yankee Stadium. God bless Comcast & all the good It does us. Unlimited broadcast baseball allows me to watch Devil Rays and Orioles dick around and take 2 of 3 from New York on a regular basis but Twins fans get the painful experience of urgently waiting to use the stadium bathroom stuck in line behind Ron Gardenhire only to see our manager slink away from the trough disappointed. Thats right, the man has stage fright. I repeat 3 - 16 at Yankee Stadium. Want a bigger stage? Gardenhire's post-season record is 6 - 15 and save me from your cards and letters to go easy on Gardy because quote "The Twins have ran into some good teams in the playoffs." Just what kind of teams were you expecting to play in October?