Occasionally tired of butchering one another Union & Confederate soldiers would kill time away from the battlefield with countless innings of baseball cultivating a national past time spanning over 150 years until that common ground was laid to waste by farm animals grazing dangerously close to Abner Doubleday's grave. Abner not only shaped America's game he went to bat for the Union Army distinguishing himself at the Battle of Gettysburg while the offending animals made a name for themselves soiling the founding father's plot in the guise of player, owner, and commissioner. Unsatisfied with the life of a ballplayer, resentful of others having $200 million in the bank while being forced to live on half that, and consumed by feelings of inadequacy due to borderline hall of fame talent the choice became simple - inject the swine with human growth hormone. Did your daddy only give you co-ownership of the New York Yankees? Displeased your billion dollar toy didn't come fully loaded with a functioning farm? Are you unable to grow crops of your own yet still shameless enough to monopolize the trough during harvest? well by all means procure a team of all-stars, roll around in your own filth for a couple of decades, then decry the system as being unfair when your Yankees fail to make the playoffs for the first time in 14 years. Rising above the squalor was to be the office of the commissioner a position created solely to protect the game & its tradition slowly devolved into just another tax collector a revenue chasing whore operating upon an unproven theory that increased run production leads to larger pots of gold giving us juiced baseballs, lower pitching mounds, designated hitters, microscopic strike zones & little league dimensions the latter of which retains at least one redeeming quality for it is far easier to corral pigs on a smaller field.

Oh I see - because the media picked the Twins to finish 3rd or 4th in the A.L. Central I'm supposed to be happy about the '08 season. How could anyone in their right mind enjoy 2008? The national media televises roughly one Twins game per year & calls our all-star first baseman Jason rendering their preseason predictions meaningless. Human beings cant figure out four way stop signs what makes you think they can foretell the future. Just examine history if you want clues regarding whats going to happen. The Twins have been frequenting the playoffs since 2002 despite losing pitching & hitting to free agency every offseason - Why not 2008? Take a look in our dugout - MVP's, batting titles, and baseball's best closer ('08 ERA's - Nathan 1.33 Rivera 1.40 K-Rod 2.24) so can we please stop playing the underdog card? I prefer to scan my memory banks for factual reasons which caused the Twins to miss out on October baseball (arguably game 163 at Chicago qualifies as postseason play dropping Ron Gardenhire's playoff record to 6 - 16). Before we get to the facts I recall a sense of impending doom on the eve of opening day when the March 28th Wall Street Journal utilized flawed methodology to state on page W1 that Gardenhire was baseball's best manager shaking me up so badly I immediately withdrew from the futures market, buried commodities in my backyard and bought a gun. Busy digging holes I barely took notice of Gardy's springtime romance with Brian Bass inserting him repeatedly into late innings of close games costing us dearly in April and May. An offensive spring turned to stagnant summer until Alexi Casilla escaped from Gardenhire's depth chart finally given a chance to play but only after injuries to Tolbert, Everett, and Punto forced Gardy to go to Casilla albeit 2 months late. Denard Span almost didnt arrive at all cut by the manager at the end of spring training when Gardenhire decided to go North with 5 outfielders not named Denard Span. Hidden at AAA Span was just about to commit to playing for the U.S. Olympic team which would have kept our ignitor off the field until September when once again an injury came to the aid of Gardy because Cuddyer's well timed trip to the DL sent Span to Minneapolis instead of Beijing. 1 through 4 in the batting order now secure the Twins set sail loaded with so much young talent I began to pity the White Sox who were beginning to show their age fading badly impotent with the bat and scored on at will. It was all there for the taking in late August when suddenly the Twins fled the city overrun by republican delegates attempting to rally conservatives in Minnesota of all places & upon Gardenhire's post-convention return he dropped anchor setting the tone for the stretch run telling reporters "I'm honestly tired, mentally drained" (pioneer press 9/8/08). Mentally drained 1 game out of first place? Apparently so and the team took on the personality of its manager going 11 -15 in September by far their worst month giving the division title to a broken down Chicago team which crawled across the finish line winning one more game than the Twins. One game? Shit we had 20 games compromised by a manager sticking with his Jugs machine Livan Hernandez serving up batting practice while Francisco Liriano & his agent were heating up down on the farm - who can forget Gardenhire angrily criticizing the talking heads on ESPN for second guessing his commitment to Jugs. Sadly in the land of 10,000 lakes to many suckers swim aimlessly allowing those same talking heads to convince them that the Twins were destined for a poor season and so while the 2008 nightmare continues to haunt me others sleep peacefully reassured their team surpassed national expectations.

A split second after hearing a loud sickening ping my skull is smashed by a baseball driven by an aluminum bat and dying on the dirty mound I curse the periodic table & the killers that lurk there. Aluminum ? Couldn't I have been slaughtered for gold or silver like so many others ? The Reaper enters the field of play answering no questions only eyeing the on-deck circle when suddenly I woke up in a cold sweat to the sound of another horrible ping realizing it was just a nightmare produced from falling asleep while watching the College World Series. Cowhide wasn't meant to be struck by anything not fashioned from an ash tree then again the American campus was never intended to destroy free speech but here we are living in such a world where impotent University Presidents face to face with fascism fail to sport wood preferring to receive it in the form of cash from bowl committees forever preventing a football playoff and contracts with aluminum suppliers denying baseball addicts the sweet crack of the bat.

The man who presided over a World Series cancellation accomplishing what W.W. I, W.W. II, & W.W. Pi couldn't - The man who implemented the unbalanced schedule allowing Yankees & Red Sox to do what they do best - play with each other - usually four hours a night taking close pitches and being rewarded for it - The man who targeted the 2001 Twins for contraction a 85 win team fresh off pennant contention the franchise & its prized farm system to be carved up and auctioned off to the usual suspects - The man who took the quick buck provided by interleague play turning his back on a century of tradition tarnishing any mystique held by the All-Star Game and World Series - And just today that man Commissioner Selig tossed another history book on the fire ushering in the instant replay era which I believe begins with experimentation on some remote island before Bud inevitably brings it ashore releasing his newest mutation into an unsuspecting public to busy circling the drain to notice.

That bittersweet light at the end of the tunnel must be April. Play ball Pay taxes - baseball existed decades before the Constitution was altered in 1913 introducing Americans to the income tax so I suspect the first time citizens were told "you have until April 15th to come up with the money or else" preoccupation with the beginning of the season accompanied by the springtime imperative to plant seeds distracted them from questioning a yearly payoff to the same bully who needs daily bread. Last years tax deadline fell on a sunday i know this because in a panic, not realizing we had been graciously granted a 24 hour extension to postmark the payment, i rushed downtown and crossed paths near the mailbox with Twins manager Ron Gardenhire who I hadnt seen since the time he cut in line in front of me at the bank. I ended up following (not stalking) him to the construction site of the future ballpark where the team was holding an unveiling ceremony featuring the design specifications and despite the fact that it wont be open for business until 2010 Gardenhire informed reporters he was especially pleased with the location of the manager's office (see 4/13/07 star tribune). Obviously impressed with his job performance (6-15 postseason) Gardy is oblivious to a scenario where he isnt managing the Twins and that thought haunted me on what should have been a celebratory occasion. Attempting to drive away the depression I delved deeper into the stadium blueprints and found my silver lining - No Retractable Roof ! - How many of us fleeing the H.H.H. Metrodome in search of outdoor baseball roadtripped to Miller Park only to find the roof on because of a hint of rain or chilly conditions. Even when the retractable slides off it casts a shadow over most of the seats leaving suckers in the shade pondering the tax increase which made it possible to block out the sun 81 times per year rather than suffer 1 or 2 weather related cancellations. It never did rain during my last stay in Milwaukee yet 2 of 3 games were played with the lid down and sadly I was in the minority registering my disgust convincing me that the national past time is sitting indoors. Cold ? Windy ? Chance of snow ? Come 2010 I'll be scooping up tickets below face value while u secretly wish to be protected from the world by Hubert H. Humphrey in his temperature controlled mausoleum. How dare the sky involve itself in major league baseball doesnt it realize 21st century fans are entitled to a risk free experience sheltered from both ominous clouds and the sun's deadly rays.

Ron Gardenhire cant stop polishing his bowling ball and I fear he may need an intervention. Gardy's employer, the MLB franchise from Minnesota, spent the weekend hosting 30,000 fans at Twins Fest 2008 showcasing the future stadium and selling season tickets. 32 players from the 40 man roster were also in attendance signing autographs and more importantly Justin Morneau punctuated the party signing a long term contract extension. Noticeably absent from the team event scheduled months ago was manager Gardenhire who had a rare chance to compete in a bowling tournament. While he was blowing on his hand I was driving St. Paul to Minneapolis dodging murderous minivans & massive potholes cheating death and destruction hoping to materialize at the Metrodome. Nearing my final exit I surveyed an escape from the interstate but signaling a lane change being a remnant of the 20th century I instead changed signals on the A.M. dial leaving 1500 (the radio home of the Twins broadcasting live from the dome) and tuned in 830 (former home of the Twins & current ratings rival) just in time to hear Ron Gardenhire call in & report that he had no expectations of winning the bowling tournament but would be excited to finish in the top 30. Hell Gardy think top ten you might qualify for nationals or even end up on the tour hitting the road never coming back. Far away from Minnesota you could manage slow pitch softball teams & solve crimes in your spare time - you'll be much happier and so will I.

Who bought a used car from Bud Selig ? I hold u personally responsible for his improbable evolution from dealer to owner to commissioner. Who thought he would stand up and walk upright let alone rise to power within the cartel which eliminated the independent office of the commissioner of baseball. I lived in Wisconsin & Bud never sold me a car - thats how i sleep at night - but I'm guilty of turning a blind eye as he handed the keys to the Milwaukee franchise to his daughter and assumed the position. Accountable to no one Selig revealed himself to be anything but the harmless court jester who delivered the most comical ceremonial first pitch of all time (someone please save that footage) instead clown turned king terrorizing the countryside threatening eviction, relocation, & contraction simultaneously playing the wild card on our ass subjecting us to the eternal northeast wet dream of a Yankee-Red Sox ALCS as well as pushing the World Series into November. Game 7 of this years October Classic would have been played 11/01/2007 lest Selig & his pirate crew lose a piece of gold scheduling doubleheaders during long hot summer days. No, Bud prefers to freeze & on one fateful date in baseball history he froze for the ages allowing an all-star game to end in a tie then compounded his trivial mental error with a complete disfigurement of the game and its history declaring future all-star exhibitions (in which participation is determined by internet voters to frightened to attend games) decide home field advantage in the World Series. Not satisfied rewriting domestic policy Bud went abroad and invaded Montreal dragging Expo carcass across the border rewarding his generals with estates in the District of Columbia, Boston, & Florida then landed on the Caribbean shores forcing what remained of the Montreal franchise to toil in the fields of Puerto Rico while Bud basked on the beach burying his head in the sand during the clubhouse-turned-steroid den era abdicating responsibility while the game was soiled with a permanent asterisk because he believed homers helped ratings increasing ad revenue which normal people dont give a shit about but apparently a billionaire owner/commissioner can still get excited over one extra zero on the deposit slip.